A boutique guide to some World Cup teams

If countries participating at the World Cup this summer were an item of clothing, what would they be?

From the Super Eagles to the Indomitable Lions, the popular Ikeja City Mall has a product in stock.

Nigeria
A Viking helmet: dangerous around the edges, not so much through the middle. The Super Eagles are tough and physically quite intimidating, though they were more intimidating in the past than now.

Ecaudor
A raincoat. They may have weathered a storm, and though they’re no pushover, certain predictability prevails. A lack of tricks up the sleeve could prove the undoing of a fairly solid outfit.

Italy
A designer shirt. perhaps not given the respect they deserve because they’re always around, they have nonetheless proven to be a reliable and classy option for decades. Whether they succeed or fail, they tend to look good doing it.

Ivory Coast
A panama hat. Looks great, and eminently recognisable to everyone; also very useful in the heat. However, put them under pressure and you may find out they crumble.

Chile
A biker jacket. Plenty of aggression on display, they’re built for a high-speed game, and they’re sure to win plenty of fans based just on their aesthetic value.

Mexico
A pair of  ’70s flares. Certainly not dull to look at. Their exuberance and style can startle anyone. But can they be relied upon to perform in every situation? It’s likely that they’ll come unstuck against classier, better-rounded opposition.

Algeria
A neck ruffle. Plenty of flair about them, and more-than-a-little French influence, but quite flimsy and ultimately a bit-part team in a larger process.

USA
Google Glass. To some they may look and sound a bit funny, but their influence is growing. Underestimate them at your peril. Also, they will almost definitely spy on you.

Iran
Anything from gap. Some say they’re evil, and they’re particularly disliked by their local competitors. Though they’re hardly top-shelf, you can always rely on them to be around in a kind of ‘filler’ role.

Honduras
A pair of hipster glasses. Considered up-and-coming in 2010, time seems to have caught up with them and they have somewhat lost the edge that made them ‘cool’, though functionally, they’ll be almost identical. This time, it would seem a lot less ‘special’.

Costa Rica
A linen shirt. Although perfectly capable and pleasant in the right conditions, they’re destined to come under intense pressure and look a bit out of their depth. Still, that won’t stop us welcoming them back with open arms next time around.

Japan
A military overcoat – distinctive, multifaceted and with plenty of attacking intent, but tends to fall out of favour when the summer rolls round.

Australia
A pair of men’s dungarees – solid, workmanlike, and sometimes they look alright too. But nobody really rates them. Do they?

Cameroon
A slap bracelet – occasionally you’ll see them and remember with fondness that they actually do still exist. But mostly, they’re not much use outside of being a colourful diversion. Also, they were really only respected in the ’90s.

We will appreciate your creative contributions on the other teams missing in the list.

Adapted from Andrew Papadopoulos’ preview of World Cup teams.