On becoming a father

Tomiwa walked away from the crowd. Her mother ran after her crying profusely “You can’t do this Tomiwa. You know what the culture says, Baba omo lo lomo; we can do nothing about that. You and I also know the stand of the church when it comes to things like these.”

“Hen! Maami, that is for the child that is good… Omo ti o ba ti daa totally belongs to her mother. If a father can’t be there when I was a rough stone with no hint of greatness, why should he be given the privilege of displaying the gem when it had been polished? I have spoken and so be it. My husband knows what I want and we have agreed. If the church insists, then I know exactly what to do.”

My mum used her wrapper to wipe the tears. Her eyes were a myriad of confusion. The Vicar came closer to us and held my hand, “Tomiwa, I know how you feel, but we must allow things to be done properly.”

I laughed and shook my head, “Sir, let me tell you the truth, you do not know how I feel. Has your father ever thrown you out of the house? Has he ever refused to pay your school fees when he had money to do so? The person we called a father threw us out. There were days when we had absolutely nothing to eat. My mother sold everything she had to ensure we went to school. He said we couldn’t amount to anything. He drove past that uncompleted building where we stayed most mornings, yet he was never moved to help us.”

‘But Tomiwa, you must forgive your father, you must…..’

“I have forgiven him, trust me, but I maintain my stand. Look at me today, the lord has taken us to a height beyond our imagination. My siblings and I have achieved that which we all find quite amazing too. Now that the soup is ready, even if others bring their plate to have a taste, he should retrain his mouth from a bite”.

Sir, let’s focus on the how to make a man of honour or a father of virtue out of the young boys around us instead of what the culture says or what the church expects. All I am asking for is that you allow my mother walk me down the aisle; but if you deny me the pleasure, then I know exactly what to do”…

This is what fatherhood has become in the hands of men who are meant to be fathers. Many girls will ask, where is my father? And the boys will silently echo in their mind, who is my father? There is a huge gap between most fathers and their children. Fatherhood is beyond impregnating a woman, having a baby and paying the bills.

Fatherhood is the responsibility of raising a generation of other fathers after you. Like a bank account, you will get an interest on whatever you deposit, like a seed, when it germinates, a tree is born with millions of those seed hanging on it. If you are a bad father, your son will add an interest of being worse.

Fathers, what exactly are you depositing in the life of your children What seeds are you planting and watering in the life of your children? Are you an absentee father? Are you the type of father that watches football or movies, eat and snore all Saturday? Are you the type of father who will not call for prayers because you think the altar belongs to your wife, the international prayer contractor? Do you bother to see their home works? Do you know their friends?

We have come to a point when we need to go back home to address most of our problems which took their roots from the family structure, style of parenting and most importantly the irresponsibility of the fathers.

Fathers your girls need you in their life as a measure of their expectation of the male folk. If you do not value their mother, they will take it as a standard and fall prey of the wrong men. If you beat their mother, they are likely to end up in an abusive relationship because that is the standard you have set. How do you also think your son will, in turn, treat his own wife, when all he sees is a father that comes home at 2am in the morning, drunk to a stupor?

Fathers, save your sons, show them the right example of transiting from a boy to a man, then a husband to a father. Help your daughter to set a minimum standard of the type of man they can settle for. If you love and value your girls, they will exude confidence and attract the right men.

Fathers, mentor your boys. Not exactly how you were mentored but in the right way they should be. Don’t tell but show. Love their mother, respect her, invest her and nurture her to her full potentials.

Be present in the life of your children. Know their teachers, and most importantly pray for them. Fathers you are Provider-Protector-Priest, a three in one responsibility you must guard jealously. Fatherhood is a serious business that requires work, yields return and reward. Happy Fathers Day.