Conversation with a First Lady

The car is quite cozy. Her Excellency was seated regally at the owner’s side and I humbly perched beside her. I was privileged to have gotten an approval to interview her for my online publication. But because of her busy schedule, she made me ride with her in her convoy of 18 state-of-the art cars. Her apparel was stately. The car was very exquisite. The chauffeur was quite professional and smartly dressed. The opulence was palpable.

There were too many calls from the array of five or so IPhone, Samsung and Blackberry phones laid out impressively on a Formica tray jutting out of the armrest-mostly from aides, the First Lady of one PDP state or the other and all sorts of people seeking one favour or the other from the most powerful woman in the country at the moment.

Well, I wasn’t really interested in what she was saying to her ostensibly fawning callers or even where she was going insofar as I got the interview done. And I did get it done. Enjoy it.

“Her Excellency, I have just seen the video of your meeting with stakeholders concerning the abducted girls from Chibok Secondary School, Bornu State, Nigeria. That was very touching.”

“My dear that was the little I could do to draw global attention to the innocent kids who have been kidnapped by these heartless Boko Haram people.”

“Mummy, but why did they provide only one handkerchief for the crying segment of the meeting? Having taken almost three weeks to incubate the tears, you must have accumulated a huge reservoir of tears to overwhelm one miserly white handkerchief. Have you fired your SA in charge of Public Crying?”

“This boy, you’re too funny. As a matter of fact, I wanted renowned Public Crying experts like Rachael… you know Rachael Oniga, the Yoruba Actress and Nkiru Sylvanus, but the time was too short. Anyway, we tried our best. We thank the Lord!”

“So, dear First Lady, what are the next steps in the search for these innocent girls?”

“Which girls are you talking about? Listen my friend, nobody is missing. It’s all politics. Some wicked people are after my husband. They don’t want him to have his second term, but that’s a joke. Others did it so he must do it. If he decides not to run for second term, I will run! Wetin sef!”

“Seriously, Madam, it’s been three weeks since these kids were abducted. Why did it take you so long to realise that you should step in to help?”

“Bros, na you sabi. These people are simply bent on embarrassing my husband. They know he is hosting the World Economic Forum or whatever they call it and they decided to gang up against him.”

“But ma’am, the leader of Boko Haram has released a video confirming he abducted the girls and will sell them in the open market.”

“There is God o. That’s all I want to say. He should remember there is God. Soon and very soon, he will be caught by our soldiers. If only my husband will listen, I would deploy Asari, Ateke Tom and the other brave warriors of Niger Delta to go and catch the monkey. But there is God.”

“Your excellency, what is your reaction to Prof. Wole Soyinka’s comments on CNN describing you as “that woman that calls herself First Lady”? In the past, he was credited with calling you a “shepopotamus”. He also once said that you should first be a Lady before you become a First Lady. What do you have to tell him?”

“My son, that man is not well o! He can’t even cut his hair. He looks like what Yorubas call were. He has no respect for constituted authorities. If this Nobel Prize, which is making his head swell, was coming at this time, I would have “snookered” it. He’s a lucky man. You know his problem?”

“No Ma’am.”

“His problem is Amaechi…Chibuike Amaechi, that boy in River State. They are friends and so the boy tells him to be rude to me. Anyway, let’s pack that one aside and talk about living things. Soyinka is an old man. He will soon die. So why should I worry about such a person. He’s always a rebel. He’s a cultist too. Didn’t he form the Pyrates Confraternity? Thank God my husband didn’t join his yeye cult when he was in school. Please let’s discuss more important things.”

“Like what and what, your excellency?”

“2015.”

“Hmmmm.”

“Obasanjo. APC. Corruption. Such things. I like to discuss such issues.”

“Ok. Let’s start with the way your handlers communicate with Nigerians. The other time you were very sick but they were lying that you went for medical checkup and so on.”

“Chai! Chai!! Chai!!! Please don’t remind me of that time. I really suffered. Those bastards were telling Nigerians lies for nothing. Why? (*starts sobbing*) I died several times but God raised me up. I believe God still has a purpose for my life. You see what is happening now! If I had died then, who would have handled this Chibok Girls matter? You know my husband is too busy. You see that the moment I got involved, the whole world joined. Even Malala and Anglique Kidjo, Angelina Jolie, and my friend, the First Lady of the United States, Mrs. Obama, has also joined. Don’t mind the small girl in UK. I’ll call her this night and ask her to also carry the sign board others are carrying. But you know that placard won’t find the girls (*she winks*). The soldiers are working hard to rescue the girls. Please don’t be offended. This matter is too dear to my head, sorry, my heart.

“What about OBJ?”

“Baba! Baba! Chai!!! That old man is very funny. Just because my husband told him to give him space to do his work o! That’s all. Baba begin vex come begin write letters. Chai!”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all o! That old man. Na waa for him. He wants to control and manipulate my husband from Abeokuta. God forbid. See how he went to commission Amaechi’s projects in River State recently? That’s very disrespectful of him of my husband because Amaechi insults my husband.”

“Your excellency, remember he was former president and he has been military head of state before.”

“Akuko! Story! Military head of state my foot! Let him go to Sambisa to catch Abubakar Shekarau and ‘bring back our missing girls’ rather than just making noise.”

As our convoy snaked towards the Transcorp-Hilton venue of the World Economic Forum, I ask her where we are going to.

“Nicon-Noga, of course!”

“Mummy, it’s not Nicon-Noga anymore O! It’s now Transcorp-Hilton.”

“Na you sabi! Whatever you like call it. When we were growing up we used to call it Nicon-Noga and the name has mastered me. Sebi you know where we are going?”

“Yes madam. I was just saying so you get it right.”

“Ogbeni, your oyinbo repete! You know where we are going and that’s what matters most. I’m going to visit the wife of one of the presidents. She brought me some jewelry and other gifts. I need to collect it before the dinner tonight. May be I will wear it to the dinner. You know how we do it na! (*She gave me a high Five*)

“Hmmmm… we were talking about Obasanjo before we got distracted.”

“I wasn’t distracted o! This visit to Nicon-Noga…sorry Transcorp-Hilton, according to you, is very important. But what else do you want to hear about OBJ abeg?”

“He seems to be having problems with oga and he has dumped the PDP.”

“Dump PDP ke? No way! Baba is not going anywhere. He is just doing what Fela calls Shakara oloje. When elections come close now, he will change his story. My husband knows how to catch these old men. Don’t worry; this is Nigeria. Please let me talk about the Nigerian economy before we get to the hotel.”

“What do you know about the Nigerian economy? Why not focus on 2015?”

“Ok. I just want to say that Nigerians are very lucky to have my husband as their President. See how he rebased the economy? Just like that!  (*She snaps her fingers*)Now Nigeria is valued at over $500 billion. It isn’t easy? That’s my husband’s achievement.”

“But that’s not achievement, your excellency.”

“Olodo! It’s not an achievement? Even OBJ with Ngozi, Oby, el-Rufai (that tiny mad boy), Soludo and co could not rebase the economy. They were just making noise. But see what my husband did! He did it.”

“But it was the same Ngozi that did it.”

“Which Ngozi?”

“Okonjo-Iweala.”

“Abegi! She is only taking credit for what she didn’t do. You know my husband doesn’t like making noise. He was the one that called his fellow Heads of Government and they generally rebased the nonsense economy. Quote me. Ngozi is co-ordinating Minister of the economy. Only she knows what she’s co-ordinating.”

“Chai! Madam sef! Please what do you have to tell Nigerians before I get out of your car?”

“Nigerians must prepare to endure and tolerate my husband for another four years. It is the turn of the Niger-Delta and nobody can change that. Our father, Chief Edwin Clark has said it. Asari has said it. Who Jah bless no one can curse. I na aghota? Then, on the issue of corruption, my husband already said it. What people call corruption is just minor stealing. If people steal all the cash they say they are stealing, Nigeria will collapse. Even in the Bible, there are rich and poor people, so Nigeria won’t be different.”

“Your excellency, can we spend a couple of minutes on the Minister of Petroleum, who is under pressure from the House of Representatives?”

“I don’t want to talk about that woman!!!”

“Your excellency, you’re talking like Prof. Wole Soyinka.”

“I don’t want to talk about that woman. Now Mr. Driver please stop so this boy can get down before we start having problem o!”.

“Madam….”

At this point, I became aware of my surroundings, and the sound of “Baby Pull Over” was blaring ostensibly out of my phone, my ringtone…a phone call has woken me up.

Chai! Chai!! It was a dream. There is God o!

Chukwuemeka sent this piece from Denver, Colorado.