Economic saboteur, spa retreat, and the great escape

BY PHRANK SHAIBU

In a move that could only be described as the epitome of Nigerian political theater, the Tinubu-led government has once again captured the nation’s attention – this time with a real-life drama that would make even the most seasoned scriptwriter blush. Picture this: a suspected economic saboteur, accused of single-handedly derailing the Nigerian economy, finds himself not behind bars, but rather in the lap of luxury at what can only be described as a guest house fit for royalty. And if that weren’t enough, he’s granted privileges that rival those of a five-star hotel guest, including unfettered access to phone calls and leisurely strolls to the mosque for prayers. Is it any wonder, then, that we find ourselves scratching our heads in bewilderment as news breaks of his miraculous escape from custody?

Yes, dear readers, you heard that right – in a plot twist that would give even the most incredulous soap opera a run for its money, the Tinubu administration has managed to turn detention into a spa retreat, complete with all the amenities one could possibly desire. Because, apparently, when it comes to apprehending alleged economic saboteurs, nothing says “justice” like a pampered staycation.

But let’s take a step back and examine the sheer absurdity of it all. Here we have a suspect accused of wreaking havoc on the nation’s economy, yet instead of being locked away in a high-security prison cell, he’s lounging in what can only be described as a plush getaway. It’s as if the government is saying, “Sure, you may have tried to sabotage our economy, but hey, why not enjoy a relaxing massage while you’re at it?”

And then there are the perks – oh, the perks. Not only is our intrepid saboteur given the luxury of making phone calls – presumably to his co-conspirators or perhaps to book his next escape route – but he’s also afforded the privilege of attending mosque for prayers. Because, you know, nothing says “rehabilitation” like a bit of religious introspection.

Now, call us cynical, but when you treat alleged criminals like esteemed guests at a five-star resort, it’s hardly surprising that they start feeling a tad too comfortable. It’s almost as if the government handed them the keys to the kingdom and said, “Good luck, old chap!”

So, here we are, dear readers, left to ponder the sheer lunacy of it all while our economy hangs in the balance. In the theatre of Nigerian politics, it seems that incompetence and extravagance reign supreme, and the citizens are left to pick up the pieces – or, in this case, foot the bill.

But fear not, for amidst the chaos and confusion, there lies a glimmer of hope. Perhaps one day, we’ll look back on this absurd chapter in our nation’s history and laugh – not because it was funny, but because laughter is sometimes the only response to sheer absurdity.

In the meantime, let us not forget the lessons learned from this debacle: when it comes to detaining economic saboteurs, perhaps a little less luxury and a lot more security would serve us all better. After all, it’s hard to undermine the economy from behind bars – unless, of course, those bars happen to be made of gold.

Shaibu is an aide to former Vice-President Atiku Abubakar