Is it fair to expect much from men not groomed to succeed as husbands and fathers?

BY KINGSLEY OBOM-EGBULEM

There’s been a lot of male-bashing going on since the Ireti Grammar school/Falomo high school attempted rape saga.

This male bashing has even assumed another dimension with the arrest of Evans the kidnapper with many of us trying to examine his childhood perhaps to dig out a few factors that may have contributed in making the man Evans who he is today.

Obviously, the man Evans is only a predictable outcome given the journeys the boy Evans has made.

No doubt, the man you are looking at is a product of the socialisation he’s had as a boy yesterday. So, can we take some time to unveil the man in front of you and tell us if he could have done better than what he’s doing today?

Or, maybe we should first look at you his sister… Can we examine the training…sorry, the schooling, the mentoring and coaching you went through while studying for that Bsc in life application you got from your mom and let’s see where we got it wrong?

While you were in the kitchen leaning how to make meals, wash the dishes and mop the kitchen floor, gaining multi-tasking skills, someone was probably playing football, video games, chess, scrabble or at best cleaning daddy’s car or washing his own clothes.

While preparing for your second degree in procurement, negotiation and relationship building – going to the market with mom, learning how to relate with petty traders, haggle and price-hunt for okra, pomo, dawadawa, fufu, periwinkle and comparing which seller had the best condiments and spices at the best price, he was in his friends place watching Indian or Chinese film. Or even “scoping” babes.

You learnt project management by being involved whenever family members, or when your parents had an event because you are involved in the process of planning, cooking, welcoming guests, serving drinks, food and ensuring everyone is served and well taken care of. And all we do is simply stroll in with the boys; eat, drink and even shout and threaten to beat you up for not serving our friends enough beer.

Now, as if this is not tragic enough, in our mysterious wisdom, we then expect that this trained project manager; this expert in financial management, financial planning, negotiation and procurement and hospitality specialist should move in with this Oga, defer, and submit to his “leadership and decision making”… this same guy that was never trained for any leadership role?

Haba!

Aren’t we being hypocritical when we express surprise at how both of them are turning out in this union we call marriage?

Indeed, one of the issues with being born a man is that you have responsibilities designed for and handed to you even before anyone knew what you were capable of doing as a person. Unfortunately no one takes time to prepare and equip you for these responsibilities. You jump into it, blunder, succeed, fail, unable to ask for help. And next thing they say you are not man enough. Is this fair enough?

His sisters have been trained to make decisions on how to run the home, cook, clean and even lead her younger siblings. And he’s been left to roam around, play football (even with the girls) and sometimes “score goals”. And when he’s old and still hanging out with the “boys” (with so many kids outside marriage) is it still fair to say he’s not man enough?

He’s not allowed to cry, ask for help or say how he truly feels. When he tries to cry; express his weaknesses or ask for help he’s told to stop acting like a woman. “Men don’t cry”, we often tell him.

So what picture of a crying woman is he expected to have when he grows up?

If you tell him “be a man, stop acting like a woman” because he’s trying to be himself, it means “being a man is the same as not being yourself, pretend all is well with you, don’t ask for help even if you are dying”.

No doubt, we know one or two men who have lost it just living out this lie…as in trying to be a man.

If being a man puts you under pressure to the point of even driving you crazy, making you smoke, drink, womanise and even commit suicide or abandon your family, then shouldn’t we interrogate this concept of being a man?

To many boys, being a man is not only being the macho guy; muscular, broad shoulders, teddy beard, baritone, and everything in between. It also means despising everything feminine and doing all you can just so you are not called a woman or sissy.

Worse still, to many boys being a man means doing all you can to live a life that makes you superior to any woman, unaccountable for anything and doing whatever, whenever to whomever and getting away with it? Isn’t that what our socialisation has prepared us for? Shouldn’t we revisit how we raise our boys today if we expect anything better tomorrow?

If we feel otherwise, then should we continue to blame him when he fails as a husband and father tomorrow?

Lets I forget… happy Father’s day!

Kingsley Obom-Egbulem