How to be a good spokesman, by Chris Olukolade

This is not a book review. In fact, this title does not exist and we assume Chris Olukolade is not yet ready to document his stewardship as the former chairman of the Forum of Spokespersons of Security and Response Agencies.

But we cannot wait so we bring you excerpts of the book got from the deep recess of his mind. Yes, we found our way there, somehow.

KNOW THE POWER OF MULTIPLE STORY LINES

Change is a constant thing as well as a change of story line. And to goof is human but what is divine is to know how to cover your tracks.

On Tuesday, September 23, 2014, I confirmed to the media that some of the abducted schoolgirls of Government Girls Secondary School, Chibok had been released by their abductors.

Millions of Nigerians had been anxious to know the whereabouts of the 276 girls kidnapped by Boko Haram on April 14 and that news was well-received.

“The girls were now at the barracks in Maiduguri,” I proudly said.

The media went to town with the story and Nigerians popped champagne.

But it proved to be false.

In this situation, you either apologise for the gaffe and resign or, yes, you got it right – deny that you ever confirmed the story.

Let them retract their stories or publish updates reversing the good news, that’s their business. You have kept your job and that’s what matters.

Just take the back seat and allow the state government to do the talking. Also, let those members of “literary and debating” society continue to ponder if: you made a genuine mistake or not; that you didn’t intend to give false hope or not.  Or that you probably got half a piece of information bla bla bla…

But for whatever reason, do not let down your guard and tell the world what really happened.

OCCASIONALLY HUMOUR YOUR AUDIENCE

On April 23, 2015, I told the world that Boko Haram insurgents are out of arms and ammunition that they use in unleashing mayhem on their victims and have resorted to the use of bows and arrows.

I can still vividly recall what I said.

“The Boko Haram terrorists have run out of arms and ammunition because the usual supplies they get are not forthcoming. They now have only bow and arrows, machetes, daggers and other local weapons.

“You can find more than 500 of them with only few having rifles and even when one or two of them have rifles, they have no ammunition. I am optimistic that the military will succeed in killing many of these insurgents who have been terrorising residents for the past three years.”

Few they days, they struck without bows and arrows, machetes and daggers.

Well, it’s not my fault they ran to ISIS for fresh supply!

OCCASIONALLY USE FOUL LANGUAGE

Sometime in 2015, January 16 to be precise, a soldier who sustained injury while fighting against insurgents in the north-eastern part of the country alleged that the military refused to pay his medical bill, neglecting him to languish in pain and misery.

The unnamed soldier, who had his face covered while speaking to CNN, said the insurgents were better equipped than the country’s security forces.

Dismiss such allegation and accuse the “alligator’s” medium!

“The federal government and the military leadership are concerned, committed and focused on the ongoing fight against terror,” I said in a statement.

“The orchestrated blackmail and propaganda by entrenched interests will not deter the military.

“If it is true that a Nigerian soldier will wilfully go against the rules by speaking without due authorisation and misinform the foreign media, then it indicates how deeply committed and how far the interest of these enemies of Nigeria and humanity have gone in trying to undermine and destroy the military.

“The motive of this satanic CNN report should be of concern to all patriots and Nigeria’s well-wishers. We believe that appropriate security agencies will also work on the root of this blackmail against the nation. The fight is not for the military alone.”

Full stop!

BLOW YOUR TRUMPET

Never ever let any opportunity pass you by when the time presents itself to blow your trumpet. No matter how infinitesimal the chance is, latch in on it.

On April 21, 2015, a top commander of the Boko Haram insurgents, Abu Mojahid, was killed in a battle with troops in Alagarno, Borno state.

Nobody knows the ranking of officers in Boko Haram, so you can always insist a top commander was killed. Add ‘notorious’ to his name for special effect.

“A notorious top terrorist’s commander, Abu Mojahid was among the terrorists that died in their encounter with troops on the outskirts of Alagarno, Tuesday morning. The terrorists had staged a daring attack on troops who were on patrol of the area.

“A number of the terrorists died as the troops repelled the attack. Some rocket-propelled grenades as well as vehicle mounted anti-aircraft guns were either captured or destroyed in the encounter.”

A particular incident I really enjoy recalling was when I announced that some Boko Haram militants drowned in Lake Chad as the Nigerian troops retook Baga, the fishing town in Borno state.

Hahahaha, they drowned in the lake as they fled air bombardments from our troops.

“A large number of terrorists have drowned in the Lake Chad as they fled the heavy bombardment by Nigerian air force heralding the advance of Nigerian troops on mission to flush them out of Baga. Not even the strategy of mining over 1500 spots with land mines on the routes leading to the town could save the terrorists from the aggressive move of advancing troops.

“All the land mines were skilfully cleared one after the other. Eventually, the resistance of the terrorists collapsed and the land forces finally stormed the town in the early hours of Friday.”

Thank God it’s Friday!

KNOW THE JARGONS OF THE TRADE…

But speak clearly and concisely without sounding rehearsed.

“Improvised explosive devices planted by the terrorists to deter the comprehensive offensive by the advancing troops are also being carefully cleared as troops continue to pursue fleeing ones. The operations, especially in forest locations, are progressing in defiance of obstacles and land mines emplaced by the terrorists.”

Here’s another example:

“A comprehensive cordon and search phase of military operation has now commenced to enable troops mop up arms and ammunition and also apprehend any terrorist who might be hiding in the vicinity. The exercise will also determine details of the casualties inflicted or incurred in the course of the operations to clear Baga and environ of terrorists.”

Have this last one “for the road”!

“Similar exercise is being carried out in over 15 locations namely Gajigana, Ngaze, Ngenzai, Marte Junction, Mile 90, Yoyo, Kekeno, Kukawa, Cross Kauwa,, Kangarwa, Amirari, Kichimatari, Borokari Barati, Kauwa and other localities where troops have flushed out the terrorists in the operations preceding the entry to Baga. The troops are now dominating and conducting aggressive patrols in the locations. The morale of troops remains high.”

SOMETIMES, MUM IS THE WORD

On June 23, 2014, Aminu Tambuwal, speaker of the federal house of representatives, was “detained” by soldiers in Kaduna, his office alleged.

A week earlier, Rotimi Amaechi, governor of Rivers state, was “prevented” from entering Ekiti state by soldiers.

A similar incident took place in Kano after the announcement of the new emir, with military authorities “barring” private planes from landing in city.

Opposition leaders described these incidents as misuse of power and acts of intimidation, but that’s their business!

If you are faced with a similar situation, let mum be your word or say: Tambuwal was not “detained”; Amaechi was not “prevented”; Sanusi and friends were not “barred”.

Always say less than necessary.

By the way, that’s Law 4 in 48 Laws of Power!

PATRONISE THE LOCAL MEDIA

I remember the incidents in June 2014 when newspaper owners and journalists condemned the “siege on media” after consignment of Leadership and Daily Trust were seized by the soldiers who said they were acting on “orders”.

I quickly issued a statement alleging that there was an intelligence report that newspaper vans were being used to convey “security sensitive materials”, which you may well call explosives.

“Troops this morning embarked on thorough search of vehicles conveying newspapers and newsprints across board.  This followed intelligence report indicating movement of materials with grave security implications across the country using the channel of newsprint related consignments.

“The Defence Headquarters wishes to clarify that the exercise has nothing to do with content or operation of the media organisations or their personnel, as is being wrongly imputed by a section of the press.”

Let them know that you guys are partners in progress!

“The military appreciates and indeed respects the role of the media as an indispensable partner in the ongoing counter-insurgency operation and the overall advancement of our country’s democratic credentials. As such, the military will not deliberately and without cause, infringe on the freedom of the press.

“The general public and the affected media organizations in particular are assured that the exercise was a routine security action and should not be misconstrued for any other motive.”

They will love you for this!

CRY WOLF WHEN POLITICIANS ARE INVOLVED  

After the government declared a state of emergency in three north-eastern states, some politicians seemed to be working for Boko Haram.

Even if it’s an assumption, cry wolf!

“Since the state of emergency has been declared, some politicians have been acting as if they are in close contact with these people. Imagine a senator coming out to say he has information that some of the abducted girls were being married off. The other day, he also came out to say that more than three hundred people were killed. Most times, he acts as if he is their spokesman.”

When you are faced with lack of credible information, cry wolf!

“We receive thousands of pieces of information on a daily basis. We know the worth of information in an operation like this; but most times the information we get is misleading. We don’t expect such from leaders.”

You must know how to cry wolf even when none exists!

ALWAYS HAVE THE LAST WORD

Cameroon claimed that they killed Abubakar Shekau and released a picture of his dead body to back the claim.

But Boko Haram continued to release ‘Shekau’ videos.

And Chad, through their president, Idriss Deby, lent a semblance of credence to the Shekau-is-still-alive theory by claiming that he knew the whereabouts of the leader of the sects.

“It is in Abubakar Shekau’s interest to surrender, we know where he is,” Deby told AFP.

“If he refuses to give himself up, he will suffer the same fate as his comrades.”

Always have the last word and in this example, claim that Shekau was killed within the Nigerian territory by Nigerian soldiers.

“The military killed the ‘original’ Shekau in 2013, while his impostor – who went by the names Bashir Mohammed, Isa Damasaka, Bashir Konduga and Abacha Abdullahi Geidam – was killed in a battle at Konduga, Borno state, in 2014.”

Always have the last word…

And these book excerpts confirms that!