[HEART MATTERS] He asks for oral sex…

Dear Praise,

My hubby has been in Brazil for 6 months and just got back to Nigeria 3 weeks ago only to start telling me about oral sex and how it would spice up our sex life. I was at first taken aback because he was there when our pastor outlawed it in the denomination we attend and a whole day was even devoted to such a demonic act in our church’s devotional where our pastor who i consider to be God’s servant warned against it. I don’t even know who to talk to about this until a friend told me about this group and I joined a week ago and have really enjoyed how you have been handling other people’s issues. 

I think something is wrong with my hubby and i don’t know how to help him or handle this matter. A part of me is telling me to go and report him to our area pastor because we are both ministers but I don’t know how that would pan out eventually. 
please help me before this demonic act wrecks my marriage.

Daniella U

Dear Daniella,

I will speak as a professional because that is the cap I usually love to wear and my summary is simple. Sex is like order placement for your favorite customer. You don’t assume you know the appetite of your customer. You take his orders and serve it the way he/she wants. If your spouse is asking for something you are not ok with the first thing you must ask is ‘Have i researched it and is it sinful or does it negatively affect my health? Truth is if you depend on your pastor to run your bedroom you are in error because your pastor is neither a sexologist nor a therapist.

The problem most believers have is they assume their pastor has got all the answers and that is why we even take professional and business ideas to a pastor who has never done business before. Having said that there is nothing wrong with oral sex from every research available the mouth, penis and vagina has got several nerve endings and your lips hastens orgasm faster than any part if well done. However the balance is for it not to be forced where the other is not ready for it. I’d suggest you talk to your spouse and tell him to give you time to process the change. And for the Bible scholars bible talks about not defrauding each other of your body please note the word body and not penis and vagina. Whatever you have agreed to do in your bedroom is acceptable to God in my opinion once you have both agreed and are convinced.

My bigger challenge as a counselor is while couples debate this oral sex is almost becoming a culture among our young people in secondary schools and university. Please remember your pastor is not your husband and your pastor has no business with your bedroom matters which is outside his boundaries. Would you rather obey your pastor and lose your marriage? And if you lose your marriage would your pastor take you in? Let’s be careful what we listen to especially on the pulpit because pastors sometimes make statements that hasn’t been researched and borne out of culture. In marriage never serve an order that has not be placed infact you and your spouse must preview sex, view sex and review sex afterwards. Your pastor should bother about church matters not your bedroom issues.

INLAWS OOOOOO

Dear Praise,

You are highly appreciated for the good work you are doing for the family life.God bless you.
The question is I am tired of my Inlaws coming to stay in my house on and off. This has gone on for 8 years plus now, I have tried to accommodate them hoping they will find their way sooner or later but that has not come to be. I have tried discussing this with my husband but he doesn’t see anything wrong with it but of the opinion that I also stayed with my elder siblings at some point or the other as well.i feel choked and once I hear of their coming i just start feeling uncomfortable and tensed. What do I do?

Lydia O.

Hello Lydia,

I wish we can get our men to understand that true marriage isn’t just about culture or our quest to please a family. A man set for marriage must be able to leave and cleave however we know that is not so in many homes in Africa.

I think you never discussed matters like this before marriage and since it was not discussed it may be a bit difficult to stop them from coming however what you can do is to influence your husband to put a few systems in place that empowers you.  For example your husband can tell them to check with him if it’s Ok for them to come around before they show up and when they show up they must be able to demonstrate some responsibilities like doing dishes and helping with household chores.

When they can’t stand the structures you have put in place they will naturally find their level however I’d admonish you put up her best behavior anytime the show up and enjoy them lest they see her as the person behind their eviction. The goal must be to win all of them over but  i also feel couples must be careful in bringing in their siblings when you have kids in their formative years especially when you are not sure of the values those siblings are bringing into your home.

How often do you have sex with your man?

Hello Praise,

I have been happily married for 12 years now, with a boy and a girl. Everything seems fine on the outside but in truths, it is not fine. But my biggest frustration is my wife… I definitely loved her but the issue is that she just does not have time for sex. This is a big issue. I don’t know why married women start to lose interest in sex after some year, but after talking to my friends, I think this is a big issues in many a marriages.

My wife and I make love maybe once a month and if I am lucky, once in 2 weeks to satisfy my desires, I have started doing porno, and I often masturbate to get release. But even that I am tired of, and so i have now had to go and get me a nice girlfriend that is a young university girl.

This has been going on now for over 2 years, and i am happy with it  madam is always very busy taking care of the home and children but no time for me but me too i am very happy with having a mistress by the side at least this is better than masturbating and doing porno

So here is my question for you. Why is it that many a married women has lost the desires for sex?  It is a very bad thing and it is almost destroying many homes. Even for me, I no longer have much interest in making love to my madam but anytime i see this my girlfie, and i see her two times every week, I am fired on and ready to perfom!

Chibuzor I.

Hello Sir,

Warm greetings to you and thanks for your honest mail.

I celebrate you for everything and for being real enough. It is not impossible that something has gone wrong in madam that is responsible for the current problem.

Usually a woman’s sexuality can be affected by her personality, child birth, stress, pressure and even upbringing. What we need to do is to find out what has gone wrong and reverse it and that can be done if you see a therapist with her for a session. I am sure what has gone wrong would be discovered and she can be helped because sometimes the burden of motherhood can weigh a woman down that she doesn’t know at what point she has shifted attention from her husband to the kids.

Do you assist her with chores at home & are you sure she is not stressed?

However I must let you know that getting a younger girl is not the way because while it must have been offering a temporary relief a day would come and you will want to put a stop to it and that is where the problem would start from. And remember the girl also desires a future and her own husband.

What if this leads to a scandal? What if she gets pregnant and becomes a 2nd wife and also dislikes sex?

How do you face your lovely children when this becomes a scandal?

These are deep questions you need to ask yourself and find answers

God bless you.