INTERVIEW: Women need self-love to break out of abusive relationships, says Olaide Omosebi

Olaide Omosebi, the chief executive officer (CEO) of Doors and More (formally Dedoyin Investments Limited) and Olla Stores, has interests in construction support, interior design, maritime sector, and food processing. Married to Olumide Omosebi, a lawyer, she is a counsellor and co-founder of The Gnosis Help Initiative, an NGO which advocates against domestic abuse. She speaks with TheCable’s RITA OKONOBOH on how she survived domestic violence and how women can #BreakTheBias by leaving toxic relationships.

TheCable: What was your experience with domestic abuse?

Olaide: I was in the polytechnic when I met my late husband; I was about 19 or 20 and he was way older. I am from a family of nine — we were seven girls. So, you can imagine the kind of mother we had. We hardly had proper interactions with boys. My late mum was that kind of person that you would assume that if you spoke to boys, you would get pregnant. She was very strict. But one thing she helped us understand that there was no point in playing around with men. If you were ready to settle down, you settled down. So, when my late husband came and all he was singing was he wanted a wife, I felt I had found someone who wasn’t ready to waste my time and I felt I was in love. So, I went ahead and got married.

We dated for about four months. During the time we dated, once in a while, I would leave school and visit him and, on a few occasions, I saw him fighting with people. I felt he was very aggressive as he used weapons such as bottles. People usually ask why I went ahead with the marriage when I had already seen his kind of person. What made me go ahead was that during that time, once he saw me, he would stop. So, I felt I could ‘fix him’. Six months into the marriage — I was pregnant at the time — the first slap came. I was shocked because it was over something trivial — I had left a cup of tea on the table. After that, he apologised. Within a year and a half, there was a quarrel about me working, and in the process, he hit my back on a concrete slab which resulted in an injury I nursed for over 20 years. The quarrels, beating, injuries continued for eight years. When I found out that if I wasn’t careful, I would lose my life, I decided to leave. The day I wanted to leave, he also beat me up. I eventually left for my parents’ house — at the time, my mum had died. He refused to let me take any of my things, so all I left with were the clothes I was wearing, a pair of slippers and N200.

From there, God took me higher and I was able to fend for myself and my children. It was 15 years later that I met my husband. I can tell you that now, it feels like I’m married. Before, it was like I was in bondage. Now, I know what marriage should truly be like.

TheCable: Was your late husband’s family aware of the abuse?

Olaide: His mum, sisters all knew. But he was like their golden child. He could do no wrong in their eyes. They couldn’t really do much. The mum would come, beg me to forgive him and stay.

TheCable: Were there issues about custody of the children?

Olaide: Initially, I left without them. Later, he brought the children without their clothes or anything. Five months later, he returned for them and people advised that I should let him have the children. Three months later, we had a family meeting and he brought them back because he could not take care of them. Since then, the children have been with me. They were aged seven, five, and two then. The two-year-old girl is now 20 years old.

TheCable: From your experience and the stories you have come across at The Gnosis Help Initiative, is it possible for a woman to not realise she is in an abusive relationship?

Olaide: It is; if a woman doesn’t love herself enough to know that she’s not a scapegoat. But if a woman believes that it’s okay for a man to slap you or for your male friends to beat you up, she won’t realise it’s an abusive relationship. So, the first thing is self-love. If you love yourself, you’ll know that you can’t pick up a cane and intentionally flog yourself and so, nobody has the right to flog you. So, when things that you would ordinarily not do to yourself are being done to you, then you’re being abused. But because of culture and religion, a lot of people are told that it’s okay to suffer those things. That’s where the problem is.

TheCable: Do you think all survivors of domestic violence will get better?

Olaide: Everybody can get better. What is needed is the survivor taking action. When I left, it took five years to get the victim mentality out of my head. The moment you keep seeing yourself as a victim, you cannot get better. It’s not easy because healing is a gradual process. You need to cross that hurdle to where you tell yourself you can get better. I tell people that if I can be better, anybody can be better, because I tasted death — I tried committing suicide once. It took three days for doctors to flush out the drugs from my system. I was unconscious for three days. So, if I could go through that and come out, anyone can come out.

The first step is to tell yourself you are no longer there. The second step is to hold onto the God you believe in to take you out of that dark place. The third thing is for you to have a good support system. Friends or family members that make you feel like a failure, cut ties with them. Then find a source of income, no matter how little. When I left, as a graduate, the first job I got was as an office assistant with N18,000 as salary, and I spent N16,000 monthly on transport. But I continued with the job because I wanted something to keep me busy and take my mind off thinking. I also started looking for other opportunities and I told the owner of the business to let me join the marketing team so I could get commission to support the salary.

TheCable: What step-by-step process would you suggest for a woman who is ready to walk away from an abusive relationship?

Olaide: The steps are not carved in stone. It depends on the kind of abusive relationship the person is in. If it is a violent one where you are not guaranteed the next day, I tell people ‘you don’t need to plan; just leave first’. But if you have time to plan, first, make up your mind. Next, start to look for money; if you’re working, start saving. If you have someone you can move in with temporarily, let the person know. If you have children, start thinking of how you’re going to feed them. When making up your mind, decide how much time you need and stick to the plan. However, if there’s physical violence, the first thing to do is look for somewhere to stay whether you have money or not. That’s why it’s always good to have a good support system.

TheCable: Does culture affect societal response to domestic violence in Nigeria?

Olaide: To some extent, yes. Over the years, culturally, that is who we are and who we have been told over the years to accept as who we are. It might not have started as an intentional thing, or it might have started as a culture our forefathers and foremothers felt would help relationships or marriages. Along the line, some of these practices helped abuse to grow. That’s the kind of people that we are in Nigeria, despite the different ethnic groups.

TheCable: Do you think religion plays a role in breeding environments that encourage domestic violence?

Olaide: Let me put it this way: Religion is not the problem, but our interpretation of religion. As Christians or Muslims, if you study the religion we practise in Nigeria, you’ll find out that we have different doctrines based on a particular general overseer’s interpretation of the Bible. For Christians, it’s one Bible, but we find denominations focusing on different things such as holiness, financial breakthrough, miracles, healing, and the like. All are based on the Bible, so it is interpretation.

So, when it comes to domestic violence, it’s our interpretation of the Bible and primarily because almost all denominations hold onto that part of the Bible that states that “God hates divorce”, without going deeply into God’s true interpretation. God might hate divorce, but he does not hate the divorcee. So, once you know as a religious person that the God you serve loves you and is, first and foremost, after your wellbeing, then you’ll know that staying in an abusive relationship or coming out of it is not a death sentence. You won’t say because God hates divorce, you’ll stay in an abusive relationship because of what your pastor or imam has told you. So, it’s the people that have interpreted religion the wrong way and by doing so, have aided abuse.

TheCable: What are your thoughts on therapy?

Olaide: I believe in therapy to a large extent. Aside from the formal setting of talking to health experts, I mean therapy in the sense of reaching out to your support system. Having people help you to move out of your regret with positive discussions is a form of therapy. It helps a lot.

TheCable: What ways do you think the government, religious institutions can help women in abusive relationships?

Olaide: For traditionalists and religious leaders, they should please stop condoning acts of violence against women in the name of culture or tradition. They should stop covering up abuse. That thing some parents say that when a woman leaves for her husband’s home, she’s not permitted to return no matter the circumstances, is wrong. It’s some kind of cultural practice and it must stop. Traditionalists, religious leaders must know that life is important to God, before marriage. You don’t need marriage to enter heaven or be a righteous person.

For the government, I know states like Lagos are doing a lot; they can do better. They can provide safe houses for survivors. Our NGO is also trying to have something like that which we’ll call the mid-way house — the mid-way house will help people find their feet when they leave abusive relationships. That’s one way I would love the government to come in.

I want all parents to train their children to know that marriage is a beautiful thing, but it’s not a do-or-die affair. Even schools, it should be part of the curriculum. I hope that the government and society will do the right thing for the next generation.