Of marriage, and that Tiwa and Tunji spat

In the concluding chapter of his book, I married you, Walter Trobisch, late German marriage counsellor and missionary to Africa, wrote: “Last night, I committed all the errors which I advise other husbands not to commit. I talked only about my work. I told my wife to give a message in church and to prepare another one for the morning. I forgot to kiss her goodnight properly”

On this particular trip to Africa, Trobisch had spoken to members of a community about the ways in which God expected them to treat their spouses and how to make the best of their homes. He spoke about how children should not detract from the attention that the man and woman give to each other and how the one should always put the other’s interest ahead.

Unfortunately on that same night, he forgot to do the same thing he preached as he left his wife, Ingrid, to sleep alone and without the attention she craved for, in another room in the same hotel where he was.

Arriving his wife’s room the next morning, he met a broken woman with tears flowing down her cheeks like rain upon a window pane. Expressing surprise at his wife’s early morning testiness, he tried to find out whether it wasn’t a good night. The wife complained about how he didn’t pay attention to her. He explained that he did not want to disturb her and that he had to write his sermon the next day. To this, the wife replied: “There you have it; your sermon is more important than anything else”

Trobisch dug in: “But I have to preach on marriage today” Then his wife delivered the death punch. Hear her: “I wonder what you will have to say. You don’t understand a woman. You don’t know what marriage is. If you only knew how hard it is to be married to you…”

This marriage counsellor who had been married for 18 years lost his voice for what appeared like an eternity as he realised that even he, had failed in the very thing that he taught people to do. He after all, was as human as any other person he has had to advise on how to make his or her marriage better.

This is one of the reasons why I refrain from the public ecstasy that attends the exposition of conflicts in the homes of other people, especially celebrities.  I know for a fact that the most knowledgeable counsellor, if he is blessed to add honestly to his skills, would tell you that there are no marriages without a measure of turbulence. Even in the process of proposing counsel on better ways to manage relationships, marriage counselors would confess that no two marriages are the same. The situations that people are exposed to and which they have to cope with, are as diverse as the personalities that they have to deal with and so, it is difficult to adopt a one size fits all approach to the issues of marriage and conflicts associated with it.

This is why I find most of the commentaries that followed last week’s breakdown in the relationship of top Nigerian female singer, Tiwa Savage and her husband Tunji Balogun, mostly unhelpful.

In the aftermath of the initial release by Mr. Balogun which publicised grievous allegations ranging from negligence and infidelity against his wife and the wife’s own expose in a video released online, reactions have been from condescending to empathetic and even totally dismissive of the couple’s right to a disagreement which is not unusual to a two year old marriage. People have made countless parodies out of sound bites from these two celebrities giving a lot to Nigerians to laugh about in the past one week.

The question one would be forced to ask however is “do you blame the people”? I imagine that reactions to the juicy details which this gentleman and his wife provided last week would have been the same irrespective of the nationality of the audience. But this event presents a number of very serious issues that can instruct a homes whether already consummated or still under contemplation.

I think the man who fired the first salvo betrayed the office of a husband by going public with all those allegations against his wife. Forgive my saying it, but I see nothing exactly edifying in a man publicly accusing his wife of being in bed with three or four other men. If it happened at all, I opine that it questions the competence of the fellow’s claim to the masculine gender and the nerve to share it, apparently with the intention to diminish the wife, smacks of nothing but immaturity. If you want to leave your wife because of her unfaithfulness, why don’t you just and spare us the lurid details, even if you the sake of the child that you have together.  Same goes for the attack on your wife’s mother, the snide remarks about your own father as well as the drama about committing suicide. People who desire to die do not announce on social media before they take the plunge, this man just made a joke of it all.

And from the apparently contrived response of the madam, she gives the impression of a marriage contracted without much thought. She couldn’t even be sure whether the union was out of love or fear that age was creeping in and that night may soon fall.

This latter factor is no reason why anyone, especially one who desires a life-long home should marry. Most people who rush into marriage will rush out with the same alacrity. Top on the mind of people who want to marry should be true love (for and from the other person) as well as compatibility. People dismiss the importance of love in a marriage but love actually does accomplish a lot of things two of which are selflessness and unending forgiveness without which marriage cannot stand.

People also make the mistake of assuring themselves that they can manage some unacceptable traits in their intended with the hope that they will be able to get that person to change after marriage. The truth is that you are not God, so you cannot change anyone and most often when people change; they change for the worse unless there is some real divinely inspired inner conviction. Prospective couples should therefore advise themselves not to condone behaviours that run contrary to their composition as this is sure to become a sore spot in future.

Over and above, all couples and intending couples should endeavour to commit their relationships into the hands of God. The truth about marriage is that most of it is in the future and only God is omniscient and able to help with that. In addition, every faith has a body of prescriptions that make marriage an enviable and happy institution and most failures come from our refusal to stick with these recommendations.

We imagine that we know everything about marriage, but this is a fallacy. Like every other important responsibility that we embark on, there are skills that make marriage work. We must be teachable, ready to learn and adapt every now and then in the matrimonial voyage .

It is important that those who marry work together towards a peaceful home in which, if they rear children, these children can grow up in love. It is only when we have homes where children are brought up in love that we can have a peaceful and healthy nation where there is respect for the lives and dignity of others.

In the event that things do not work however, I consider it a duty which couples owe themselves and their generations to manage their differences with maturity.  This is why marriage is meant for mature people and not children. For the sake of the couple, their children, family and friends, it pays for those whose relationship have broken down irretrievably to part ways amicably and avoid spectacles that may, not just make them become foes, but also turn them into objects of ridicule, ruin any chance of reconciliation and affect the psyche of their children and families members forever. And more especially for celebrities, those are not moments when you think a journalist is your friend.

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