Nigeria: A political theatre of the hilariously absurd

BY KAYODE OMOOLORUN

I was having a discussion with a friend recently and at a point during our general banter, he looked at me sombrely and said, in a tone reflective of his deference to me in matters of national import, “Baba, is there any hope in hoping in the political class of Nigeria? Can they deliver results that will make the rest of the world begin to take us seriously?”

All I could do was rehash my reprimand of his weighty estimation of my opinion, chiding him as usual that I am no such astute social commentator deserving of such deference. When I, however, sat back to think about it, I found out how tenuous it is to give a straightforward answer to his probe.

All over the nation, political actors are having a field day trying to prove a preposterous point: that whatever level of inanity a colleague from another part of the country or even the same part has achieved, they can best it with ease, without breaking a sweat.

No region is spared the onslaught of shockingly embarrassing political actions, decisions and policies.

Ayo Fayose is in the West bending ‘Ẹ̀wà Àgọ̀nyìn’ among other forms and projections of stomach infrastructure with style and panache like the iconic animated character, Avatar Ang, the last Airbender.

Nyesom Wike is in the South empowering ‘Sin’ators with SUVs because of course they are suffering from the pains of feeding fat on Nigeria’s budget. They too have parents like the rest of us. Someone has to attend to their needs, especially such a life-threatening need as changing their cars at the impulse of a fanciful whim.

Ro(a)chas “The Roach” Okorocha is in the East going completely bananas with a sudden gust of the wind of genius, delivering outstanding comedy with the full force of the machinery of the state, manifest in landmarks and policies of such outlandish madness as statues and preposterous portfolios, and lots more. Truly, his visions drive him mad. We just didn’t pay attention to the connotative dimension of that admission when he uttered those now immortal words.

Ganduje is in the North empowering Mishais because, again, how else can we bring development to the economy of Kano if not by gifting tea, bread and noodles’ sellers a few thousand, never mind that we gulp billions under that pretext?

Every region has their National Representative of madness already. The orchestra of obtuseness is in session. The national convention of insanity is complete.

Oh, not yet, not quite. There are honourable mentions.

There is Ortom of Benue with his wheelbarrow empowerment for youths, Aregbe of Osun who waves at non-existent crowds in empty streets from his standing position in his SUV, Willy Obiano of Anambra and his 50 litres’ jerrycan youth empowerment scheme for university students, Yahaya Bello of Kogi and his endless orgy of hapless ineptitude, not least of which was the declaration of a state-wide public holiday to celebrate the return of a certain president, and that’s not all.

That’s not even scratching the surface.

There are tales of authorities constituted, unconstituted and reconstituted. There is he who opens a billboard to the fancy and fanfare of his state’s media. There is another whose mistress transmogrified into a microfinance bank where Mr Governor became a compulsory customer making regular savings in the name of the state, what a wonderful man. He is such a Joseph of our time. He has such incontestably lofty plans for the safety of his people in the certainly uncertain future. He must have dreamt and seen the seven slim cows swallow the seven fat cows. He had to save. In the hairy vault of a mistress whose legs open far too easily, regularly.

“How many of Adépèlé’s teeth can we hope to count?” The Yorubas offer in their infinite wisdom.

The national competition for vacuity, dorkiness and utter folly seems to get more interesting as the days roll by and new ciphers are voted into office.

They outdo themselves to outdo themselves, their colleagues and their predecessors in achieving and breaking grounds in landmark insanity and fatuity.

The rich get richer, the poor get pooh-poohed. The stupid never learn, they wait for the next hand-out at the next election.

The cycle takes a new flavour and coloration every time but continues nevertheless.

Nigeria.

Omoolorun sent this piece from the Department of English, University of Ibadan.