Nigeria as shock-horror skits

Skits literally crack ribs with laughter. The line separating fact from fiction or faction (fact and fiction) in skits is paper-thin. An instance was a skit cobbled together in Addis Ababa on January 11, 1976 at an OAU Extraordinary Session on Angola. This high-octane skit was documented by General Joe Nanven Garba in his Diplomatic Soldiering (1987). Garba was a Langtang-born Federal Commissioner for External Affairs under Murtala Muhammed and Olusegun Obasanjo. Self-titled ‘Field Marshal’ Idi Amin Dada, the notorious Ugandan despot, was then the OAU chairman. It was at that conference that General Muhammed delivered his famous and powerful speech he entitled “Africa has come of age.” In it, he called for an African self-determination, as opposed to a provocative letter written by American president Gerald Ford opposing Soviet-backed MPLA. It was also a time when African Heads of State were locked in acrimonious relationships. That conference was where Dada, a title-besotting despot, added “Dr.” to the list of his titles. Present were African leaders whose memories evoke mythical remembrances, like Julius Nyerere, Kenneth Kaunda, Leopold Sedar Senghor, among others.

At some point, Dada interjected Heads of State delivering their speeches. He said he was so impressed by the quality of their speeches that they could all jolly well award themselves doctorate degrees! Nyerere, with his fabled contempt for Dada, momentarily stood up. There was pin-drop silence. The Tanzanian president said he knew Dada’s propensity for awarding himself ranks and titles and that since he had already awarded himself a ‘Field Marshal,’ it would not be out of place for him to add ‘doctor’ to the list. However, said Nyerere, if Dada did, the Ugandan despot would be “a confused doctor.” This provoked general laughter and applauses. Confused on what the laughter was about, Dada himself enthusiastically joined the applauses, until an OAU official whispered the import of Nyerere’s comment to him. Idi Amin then suddenly stopped clapping and immediately wore the demeanour of a wooden mask. Talking about skits in high places!

One of the features of a skit is its short duration. Nigeria was shown one last week. Speaker of the House of Representatives, Tajudeen Abbas, apparently in a moment of power drunken stupor, sponsored a bill which, from its purport, seeks to backtrack Nigeria towards Dada’s Uganda. When the news came, it looked like a badly scripted skit. The bill, nicknamed the Counter Subversion Bill, sought to punish any actions deemed subversive. Infractions included destruction of national symbols, refusing to recite the national anthem and pledge, defacing a place of worship, undermining the Federal Government, among others. A fine of N5 million, a 10-year prison sentence, or both were suggested recompenses. It has all the trappings of Soviet Russia. Apparently wary of a system-shaking EndSARS protest, the Bill also sought to impose a five-year jail term against anyone found guilty of erecting an “illegal road block”, while also handing down a three-year sentence for “disobeying constituted authority”.

If you know how the Nigerian establishment is wired, you will know that Tajudeen was its Man Friday sent to test the waters. Or that Abbas is a groveling, uncritical legislator ready to lick the spittle of his sponsors. A river you intend to swim in is first tested with a thrust of the foot (Bíbì làá bi odò wò ká tó wòó). Though Abbas withdrew his hand from the pot of soup that enticed him badly after widespread criticisms, Nigerians must seek to find out what lured the Speaker into this coup against the people in the first instance. It is evident that our leaders fancy travelling down the road of infamy and autocracy. This bill is in league with the Anti-social Media Bill sponsored by Senator Mohammed Sani Musa in November 2019. Aimed at criminalizing the use of the social media, Musa’s bill was eventually put aside. Surely an untidy attempt at cracking down on voices of dissent, as Thomas Jefferson admonished the world, which critically holds true for us as Nigerians, the price of liberty is eternal vigilance. The government of today has shown that it adores the tail of the tiger of anti-free speech and has been fiddling with it.

Unbeknown to it, for centuries, the world has put up with real life rib-cracking, drama-like entertainments in high and low places. They could jolly well have been skits. Wherever there are no consequences for actions, grotesque things happen in sequences. Nigeria is a country where consequences have been interred. It is a place where the wolf swallows huge bones regardless of its repercussions on its alimentary canal. The bone may look harmless and even easy to swallow. The consequences come when it is time to ease it out through the anus.

This was why elders counsel that a wolf that does not have faith in the size of its own anus should run away from big bones (Bí ìdí ìkokò kò bá dáa lójú, kìí gbe egungun mì). Here, Nigerians swallow bones weightier than their wolf’s anus. It is same reason why okra plants are never allowed to grow taller than the Onírè – its farmer. In saner climes, this is the creed. The okra plant that grows majestically taller than the farmer is forcibly plucked or gets its head bowed. The Onírè is the symbolism of an all-powerful state. It is equipped with the power of coercion and sometimes, empathy. If you run foul of the Onírè, it seldom gives room for any excuses. However, in recent times, when some events happen in Nigeria, most times, you need to subject your flesh to a painful pinch. Are they drama, real life events or merely surreal? Or, perhaps, we are audiences watching a grotesque skit, with its panoply of unreal humour and tear-provoking amusement?

Nigeria was treated to another skit last week. Ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo had hosted some members of the House of Representatives. There, he alleged that Nigerian legislators fix their salaries. If you ask Nigerians to name one institution they perceive as a colossal burden to them and a waste, it will be the National Assembly. Indeed, Nigerians believe that if Nigeria must move forward, an urgent caesarian section must be done to prise off the two parliaments’ humongous drain on Nigeria’s resources. However, the Revenue Mobilisation Fiscal Allocation Commission (RMAFC) promptly denied Obasanjo’s allegation.

As far as Nigerians were concerned, RMAFC was making the usual Nigerian establishment shock-horror skit. Its skit was woven round an apparently misleading claim that each of the 109 senators earns ₦1,063,860 salary and allowances per month. It never talked about the allowances. Senate spokesman, Yemi Adaramodu, also curated a more laughable skit. The Red Chamber only collects salary allocated by the RMAFC, goes his ribaldry. It beggars belief that the Godswill Akpabio senate would embark on this junket of untruths. Shehu Sani, who represented Kaduna Central, in an X tweet, once affirmed that he, alongside his senate colleagues, got paid N13.5 million monthly in “running cost,” as well as a N750,000 monthly salary. Last Wednesday, in an interview with the BBC Hausa Service, the lawmaker representing Kano South, Senator Sumaila Kawu, contrary to Adaramodu and RMAFC, disclosed that while he collects about N1m as salary, his total take-home was N21million. These are different from the N100 billion constituency project funds. Nigerians know that these in-parliament-for-business lawmakers control awards of contracts for the projects.

There is also this shock-horror skit that has refused to leave Nigerians’ minds. It was the drama between the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and erstwhile governor of Kogi State, Yahaya Bello. Bello has been slammed with a 19-count charge bordering on alleged money laundering, breach of trust and misappropriation of funds to the tune of N80.2 billion. A huff and puff by the EFCC chairman, Ola Olukoyede, followed. Olukoyede immediately vowed to resign his job if he didn’t bring Bello to justice. The ex-governor, uncharacteristic of his cowardly gut, labeled White Lion, raced like a frightened hare from the grips of justice. Willfully volunteered information revealed that, like an impala running from a cackle of hungry hyenas, the castrated Lion, hitherto holed up in the Kogi Government House. Words from the grapevine say the Lion has escaped the wide and is roaming about in a foreign land. And there is calm and silence on the home front. No one has resigned their job. Everyone is going about their normal business. The whole hue and cry was a mere skit. And we have lived happily ever after.

Last week, both the state and its citizens were entwined in yet another wedlock of comedy. And Nigerians didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In 1697, while premiering his play, The Mourning Bride, English playwright, William Congreve, forewarned us about the fury of the female gender. Zara, a queen is held captive by Manuel, King of Granada. Congreve tells us how an intricate web of love, affection and deception led to the mistaken murder of the King who is in disguise.  Zara also mistakenly committed suicide as response to Manuel’s death. The warning from the play to humanity, which has lasted centuries, is in a quote which says, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

This manifested at the Murtala Muhammed Airport right in Lagos. The aircraft conveying Favour Igiebor, her husband and kids had arrived the Lagos airport from Europe. In recent time, countrymen have accused Nigerian government of misguided flaunt of its brawns. While Nigerians are hungry, their country’s muscles and sinews flexing has intensified. Law-enforcement agencies are getting tough on protecting Nigeria’s national symbols. Leading cross-dresser, Bobrisky, had been jailed in an unexampled clamp-down on currency mutilators at social gigs. So, unbeknown to many, Favour Igiebor was pregnant. Pregnant with matrimonial anger. In a viral video, the world watched agape as the woman, shouting at her husband, tore the hapless man’s Nigerian passport. Torn pieces of the passport were scattered on the airport floor. “I tore it,” she yelled, apparently exasperated. In spite of themselves, buffeted by governmental mis-policies, patriotism took the better of Nigerians who railed at the woman’s unpatriotic action. What kind of domestic anger would escalate to this level of national disregard for Nigeria?

In another viral video, Igiebor justified her action as that of a traumatized and distraught woman suffering the weight of matrimonial yoke. The Nigeria Immigration Service (NIS) immediately threatened to arrest Igiebor as destroying the country’s passport was a criminal offence, punishable by a year sentence. A disoriented National Orientation Agency, (NOA) perpetually in a sleeping mode, also immediately sprung up to disown Igiebor’s action.

A few days after, the Mr. Igiebor, Favour’s husband, in another viral video, claimed that the whole passport-tearing episode was a skit. He also claimed that the document his wife tore was not a passport. Since then, mum has been the word from the NIS. If one can correctly profile Nigeria, there will be no consequences for this action. In this Igiebor matter, the world saw a torn document which Favour herself, in moment of spousal anger, affirmed was a torn passport. Why didn’t Mr Igiebor show us the un-torn passport?

Not to worry. This is Nigeria. A shock-horror skit. The skit that Nigeria has become ranges from the ribald to the nauseating. Sometimes, the Onire – the Nigerian state itself – neglecting its awesome powers, becomes the equivalent of an elderly man who strewn corns round his waist. When he is embarrassingly surrounded by chickens, he is scorned as architect of his own shame. In some other skits, Nigerians make selves laughing stocks, abetted by the state. Like Mr. and Mrs. Igiebor.

Another major skit that Nigeria has flaunted without let is our comatose refineries. Their fitting mirror is the Abiku (the dying and given-birth-to-intermittently) Port Harcourt refinery child. In skits, the more you look at Nigeria’s refineries, the less you see. The refinery has undergone so many reverses on its operational dates. This bottomless hole however does not reverse its gobbling of billions of dollars. Mele Kyari, under whom NNPC has ailed and gasped in death throes, is the hero of the skit, even as he luxuriates like maggots in a sewer. It is so laughable that the most fitting epithet for Nigeria’s and the Port Harcourt refinery should be Nigeria’s National Refinery Skit.

Then, Nigeria had its most engaging skit ever same last week. A French court had ruled that three Nigerian presidential jets be seized in a long-standing dispute with a Chinese company, Zhongshan Fucheng Industrial Investment. The presidency fumed like an injured cobra. And rightly so. The skit in this aircraft seizure is however the allegation that jets which courted national row recently were part of the seizure. In a Nigeria afflicted by presidential-induced excruciating hunger, purchasing jets for Nigeria’s president seemed more urgent than the livelihoods of the suffering people. The allegation had been bandied about for a couple of months now that the presidency had procured the multiple of billion Naira-worth jets surreptitiously and wheeled them to France. Yet, Nigerians are daily encouraged to tighten their belts in national sacrifice.

Highly applauded investigative journalist, David Hundeyin, same last week on his X handle, alleged that our president has migrated from the Maybach S-Class known to be the official automobile of Nigerian presidents. Recently, said Hundeyin, our president also procured some armored Cadillac Escalade SUVs. This was a man whom his vice, Kashim Shettima, in another presidential shock-horror skit, claimed lives such an austere life that he goes about with only one wristwatch! The Cadillac SUVs must be worth enough to send hunger packing from the tummies of citizens of a state in Nigeria. The Cadillac, among other features, has in-built gadgets that can withstand attacks from powerful weaponry, including improved explosive devices (IEDs). We are happy for our sybaritic president dressed in borrowed robes by his vice.

Uniting Tajudeen Abbas’ Idi Amin Dada-like Bill, Mr. & Mrs. Igiebor’s attempt to hoodwink the system by falsely labeling a dog we can all see monkey, Tinubu’s seized jets, Port Harcourt’s reversible refinery, legislators’ jumbo salary and Yahaya Bello/EFCC’s ding-dong is absence of national truth. Our leaders are enveloped in shrouds of barefaced lies. The led are not any better. Yet, we collectively desire genuine national development. Our case is akin to that of a man who wants the head of a tortoise and its legs but doesn’t want the animal in its entirety. Nigeria is a joke!