NIGERIA V S/AFRICA: Adventure of a working fan

THE BETTER SIDE ‘LOST’

Not a game to remember. Not a game to enjoy.

But it has nothing to do with South Africa. They came, they saw, and they conquered.

Bafana Bafana has never beaten the Super Eagles in a competitive game but Wednesday’s draw tasted like a victory.

Nigeria had been crushed by goals from Tokelo Rantie and head coach Shakes Mashaba had every right to crow.

“We planned to keep Nigeria at bay in the opening 10 or 20 minutes. We knew that it would happen, that they would break down. That’s why when we got the two goals, Nigeria did not know what to do because they were frustrated,” he said in the aftermath.

A poor game. A poor performance.

But it has nothing to do with South Africa. They came, they saw, and they conquered.

ARE YOU WATCHING, PRESIDENT JONATHAN?

A book of similar title (Are You Watching, Liverpool? by Jim White), was written on Manchester United and the 1993/94 double title-winning season to annoy Liverpool and their fans who won nothing that term.

This one is obviously not a book but all the same, one can only but ask the president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria if he watched his ‘boy’ who could not be sacked despite failing to qualify his country for next year’s Africa Cup of Nations in Equatorial Guinea.

Meddling in the affairs of the NFF and ordering the recall of Stephen Keshi created the mess the Super Eagles have found themselves now.

Though it can be argued that the team might still not have qualified under the consortium of coaches led by Shuaibu Amodu, that is in the realm of ‘if’ and ‘if not’.

Keshi is the Big Boss but he became a bigger boss after those who sacked him and forced to recall him took responsibility for the team’s calamitous campaign.

Who pays the piper no longer calls the tune.

WHO INDEED IS THIS PIPER?

Generally, there are two kinds of coaches – those that have been sacked and those waiting to be sacked.

But that’s applicable to every employee.

So holding sack constant, we can rephrase our definition.

Generally, there are two kinds of coaches – those that set their teams to play with an ideology of a Jose Mourinho and those that are steeped in the wisdom of Pep Guardiola.

Playing beautifully or ugly all in the name of winning or wanting to win as well as to entertain.

Using one word for each ‘school’ Beast v Beauty.

There’s no size that fits all and with some coaches, the quality of opposition determines the style to adopt.

But can that be said of Stephen Keshi?

Where does he belong?

How tactically aware is the Big Boss.

Keshi hardly talks tactics in interviews – formal or informal.

His players hardly say he talk tactics either.

They mention “motivation” and “he’s like a father to me” when referring to him.

He too says they are “like my children”!

We know Keshi can’t be sacked because of the GEJ factor.

We now know he’s not a student of Mourinho or Guardiola either.

Maybe, they are like his children. Maybe he is like a child to Jonathan, too.

THE CHANGING FACES OF SUPER EAGLES

Comparison is odious and sometimes an exercise in futility. But then, it is worth comparing the Super Eagles of 1994 to the 2014 squad.

Taking stock after 20 years is not a bad idea.

These two teams won the Africa Cup of Nations in 1994 and 2013.

These two teams qualified for 1994 and 2014 World Cups.

These two teams made the last 16 of the World Cup.

But that’s where the similarities end.

Please, spot the difference.

THE ‘SAME’ FACES OF BAFANA BAFANA

Noticed any similarity between the triumphant set of 1996 and the team that drew 2-2 with Nigeria in Uyo?

Clue: We are no racists!

WONDER WONDER!

It’s not about Africa’s unity or Jesus’ second coming according to Femi Kuti in his hit track of same title.

Wonder 1: Have you wondered if its mere coincidence that the last two times Nigeria won the AFCON – 1996 and 2015 – they failed to defend their title?

Wonder 2: Why is it that any time Equatorial Guinea are host or co-host of the AFCON, Nigeria never qualifies? 2012 and 2015.

Wonder wonder!

FORLORN LOOK

Diego Forlan’s goal drought seasons while with Manchester United inspired the name Diego Forlorn from the British press.

A staff member of the Nigeria Football Federation whose (abridged or is it ‘A’ get rid) name incidentally starts with a ‘D’ as well will make the Uruguayan’s face look cheerful after missing yet another sitter.

Our man was practically walking in the air at the Nigeria Union of Journalists complex off IBB Way hours before the match.

He was smiling and exchanging banters (so unlike him) with his former colleagues and ‘friends’.

Shakes Mashaba and his boys shook hands with him but later removed the smile from his face after his planned trip and ‘feedback’ from Equatorial Guinea went with wind after the 2-2 draw.

You needed to see him afterwards.

I was almost tempted to ask if he had lost a dear one.

He’s built like a boxer.

I value my teeth.

A FOR APPLE, B FOR BALL

That’s what we were told while growing milk teeth.

Well, ‘B’ is still for ball but ‘A’ is now for…

Akwa Ibom Stadium, Uyo!

You will match a boxing bout announcer for adjectives when describing the ‘Bird Nest’ stadium which hosted its second international game after it was inaugurated on November 7.

Awesome!

Amazing!

Beautiful!

Breathtaking!

Let’s stop at A and B (for apple and ball) and talk about some flaws in the architectural masterpiece.

JOURNALISTS ARE NOT ALLOWED!

Actually, only 24 working journalists are allowed.

With two tables and 24 chairs, only 24 working journalists can place their laptops and other gadgets on the table and report events unfolding.

The others who find their way in the press zone will make do with their laps as tables and pray their equipment are fully charged throughout the duration of the match.

JOURNALISTS ARE NOT ALLOWED… AGAIN!

The stadium has a 30, 000-capacity but the press conference room is not roomy.

Maybe the engineers and architects had 24 journalists (print, on line, and photo) in mind as well.

Woe betides you if you are a claustrophobic coach, player, or journalist!

You will start to panic while in that small space called a conference hall.

You may sweat, shake or experience heart palpitations.

You may cry or yell. You might attempt to get out of the situation by any means possible.

Some people with claustrophobia find it difficult to breathe. Some say that it feels like the walls are closing in on them.

Eventually, you may begin to dread activities that could cause you to feel closed in.

Maybe that was why Stephen Keshi missed the post-match analysis!

MORALS IN FOOTBALL

While we are at the matter of the AFCON, let’s quickly broach the topic on morality in football.

CAF practically went cap in hand looking for a host, any host – even Sierra Leone and Liberia would have been welcomed – for their flagship tournament after initial host, Morocco, asked for a postponement as a result of the Ebola virus scare.

Different names propped up ( mind you, not Issa Hayatou’s country Cameroon who has only hosted the 57 year-old competition once in 1972 and none since Hayatou became CAF president in 1988 though they have been earmarked for the 2019 edition) and even Qatar, a country outside Africa, offered a helping hand.

Eventually, Equatorial Guinea, who recently co-hosted the AFCON with Gabon in 2012, were begged or cajoled to take up the challenge.

Using the phrases from the board game, Monopoly, Morocco had told CAF to “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200” but Equatorial Guinea bailed them out, saying “Advance to [a particular location]”, which does allow the player to collect $200 if they pass Go in so advancing.

But wait a minute, EG had been used as an example for erring countries with the penchant for fielding ineligible players.

Despite beating Mauritania 3-1 on aggregate, they were banned by the organising committee following a protest brought by Mauritania Football Federation against the use of Cameroon-born Thierry Fidieu Tazemeta in their games.

Uganda, who eventually knocked out Mauritania in the next round on away-goals-rule, won’t be at the AFCON either after finishing in third position in Group E behind Guinea and Ghana.

But who has the last laugh? Equatorial Guinea, courtesy of the desperate CAF.

And that brings me to the quote of the year on morality and football.

In a TV studio in Brazil during the World Cup, Gordon Strachan mocked the hysterical cries by non-Uruguayans calling on FIFA to dish out a life ban on Luis Suarez after his latest spot of dental trouble in the match against Italy.

“People talk about morals – we don’t have any morals in football. Let’s get that right,” the Scotland manager said.

“Over the years I have played, there have been wife-batterers, drink-driving incidents, infidelity, Eric Cantona jumping into the crowd and kung-fu-ing someone in the chest. The clubs stand by them.

“The supporters themselves, when these guys come back, they stand up and applaud them on the pitch. So, don’t anybody start talking about morals – we don’t have any in football.

“If these things had been done by youth team players – who don’t have any importance to the first team – they get sacked. But because they can bring in merchandise and bring in money, then they will back them to the hilt.”

Every word spot-on.

CAF confirmed it, too.

THE HOTEL THAT IS ‘COMPLEX’

It’s actually called Summit Complex & Hotels but that’s in name only.

Though it has three buildings in the compound, which qualifies it as a complex, the adjectival meaning of the word is more suitable.

Difficult to understand – kitchen service, room numbering, power supply, water supply, and quality of Guinness Stout!

It’s difficult to understand the choice of the name Summit Complex & Hotels.

More of hostel, less of hotels.

That’s the effect and power of misplaced letter ‘s’!

AKBC

Before closing the chapter on Summit Complex & Hotels, let’s talk about AKBC.

AKBC, I guessed and was told I was right by the receptionist, means Akwa Ibom Broadcasting Company.

AKBC, I guess but could be wrong this time, is the only station in the world that closes at 12 midnight!

A Nollywood movie was interrupted by “…to serve Nigeria with all my strength to defend her…” and then sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

AKBC, don’t you think service to your customers equals service to Nigeria?

AKPABIOISM

Commission and inaugurate are two words wrongly used interchangeably.

Commission (verb): to officially ask somebody to write, make or create something or to do a task for you: She has been commissioned to write a new national anthem.

Inaugurate (verb): to officially open a building or start an organisation with a special ceremony: The new theatre was inaugurated by the mayor.

Godswill Akpabio, the governor of Akwa Ibom state, cares less for the distinction – he commissions and inaugurates everything!

“Our governor is everywhere,” the airport taxi driver said.

“After providing borehole for a community, he’s there to open it. No project is too big or too small for him to ‘commission’.

“He presents transformers, ‘commissions’ bridges, roads, schools, hospital, dams. Nothing escapes our action governor.

“He’s really working but he talks too much. He boasts about his achievements on TV, radio, billboards, newspaper. The week leading to the opening of the new stadium was the worst.

“This one this one Nest Bird. That one that one finest in Africa. Haaaa, the man de try o!”

CUSTOMERS SHOULD BE WELL-FED

This is not about food or feeding but the ease of matching your ticket with the seat allocated to you in an aircraft.

It announces FED but it got two people arguing.

“My seat is ‘F’ and it is by the window,” she said.

“No, it’s not. ‘D’ which is mine, is by the window. Your ‘F’ (she made it sound like F for Failure), is by the aisle,” she said.

‘E’, who sat peacefully on the undisputed middle seat, and an air hostess, were the peacemakers.

Though, there’s a sign before letter ‘F’ indicating that it is the seat by the window, DEF could have explained it better with or without a sign.