Problems: Like Manchester United like UK — unlike Nigeria

Whenever you hear the song: “Glory Glory Man. United, Glory, Glory Man United, Glory, Glory Man United and the Reds are marching on…”, what easily comes to mind is the era of a gum-chewing, legendary Scottish manager Sir Alex Ferguson who, between 1986 and 2013, amassed a whooping 37 trophies; 13 league titles, 5 FA Cups, 4 Football League Cups, 9 FA Charity/Community Shields, 2 UEFA Champions League, one each of Cup Winners Cup, UEFA Super Cup, Intercontinental Cup and FIFA World Club Cup. This impressive total makes it absolutely safe to label his rein as a trophy-laden one.

Ferguson superintended over the most prosperous era of the team’s over a century of existence in terms of trophies won. He used some of the most talented footballers of the era, to actualise his dream of swimming in glory such that most Manchester United fans became so used to a diet called “winning”. And that, to date, has been very contagious among their fan base globally. The winning mentality was emblematised by a group he famously referred to as “The Class of 92” (academy players). They include David Beckham, the Nevil brothers (Gary and Phil), Nicky Butt, Paul Scholes, Kevin Pilkington (a goalkeeper who never made it to the first team), Keith Gillespie (who was used in a player-plus-cash deal to price Andy Cole away from Newcastle United), Robbie Savage, Ryan Giggs among others. This set of academy products was complemented with crafty recruitments of the likes of Jap Stam, David May, Ole Gunnar Solkjaer, Jesper Blomqvist, Dwight Yorke, Andy Cole, Peter Schmeichel, and Teddy Sheringham among others. This group of players delivered the famous 1999 treble. That (the rain of trophies) would go on until the final season of Sir Alex Ferguson.

In his desperate attempt at leaving the stage on a high, he sacrificed a bit of the team’s future for his selfish desire. Rather than promoting and integrating a promising young midfielder, Paul Pogba, into the first team to take over from one of the last surviving members of the Class of 92, Paul Scholes, and transition the team into the future, part of which is now, he decided to recall the latter from retirement. And Pogba, convinced of his own ability, sought pasture anew and he found one in the Italian Serie-A. Juventus wasted no time in securing his signature. Age is a merciless companion as it caught up with Scholes and prevented the no-nonsense midfielder from vibrating on the same wavelength with which he’s been known over the years. Pogba would later return to Manchester United, three years after, in 2016. Fergie would also cap the self-centred recruitments in the twilight of his career up with going for Arsenal’s (then 29-year-old) Robin Van Persie who was, for the first time in his Arsenal career, hitting a terrific goal-scoring form. He paid £24 million for the player with little or no resale value on a three-year contract. A lot of us were curious and critical of the move but Van Persie delivered the good, a decent return in the business of net-shaking that season. These errors take nothing away from the achievements of Ferguson as the most successful manager in the history of the club.

However, following Fergie’s exit in 2013, it has been a case of a “revolving managerial door” at Old Trafford. David Moyes was the first to come in as a replacement but he did not spend a season before he was shown the exit door. Ryan Giggs stepped in, in an acting capacity, after which the legendary Dutch and former Ajax manager, Louis Van Gaal, returned from the Brazil 2014 World Cup with the Netherlands national team to take charge. Then came the fulfilment of the maverick José Mourinho’s life-long ambition to manage United (Emi lo kan, you’d say). Mourinho, a chronic winner and a tactical beast, came, saw, but could only conquer the UEFA Cup (now UEFA Europa League), the football league Cup, and Community/charity shield and that has been about it for United in terms of trophies since then. Club legend, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, came in and had to be replaced with Ralf Ragnick towards the middle of the last season in an interim capacity, until the end of the season, after which a permanent replacement would be appointed. The appointment did come in the shape of another Dutch coach, Eric Ten Hag, who just led Ajax Amsterdam to the Dutch Eredivisie title in the 2021/22 season.

During the above-mentioned period of the managerial merry-go-round (2013 to date), about £1 billion has been sunk into overhauling the playing personnel but with little or nothing to show for it. The team lost its fear factor as smaller teams no longer get scared by the intimidating credentials of the Red Devils. Serial relegation-battling teams now come to Old Trafford, dream of, and do get, the three maximum points at stake. Meanwhile, I do not want to believe that the quality of players is the problem. Many were quick to blame Pogba, while he was around, for his alleged deliberate non-performance for the team. But how a certain Didier Deschamps got him to perform for the French national team at such a level that delivered the 2018 World Cup in Russia was one area where successive United coaches needed a crash course in talent management. What operational manual did the French manager use to get Pogba firing? A copy of which Manchester United did not have.

Many club legends, like Gary Nevil, Roy Keane, Rio Ferdinando, and Paul Scholes among others, agreed that the French man was the reason that the Red Devils have not been able to compete with or out-compete their city rivals, Manchester City which they derisively refer to as “our noisy neighbours” in the Premier League. But now, he is no longer in the team as he has signed for Juve again in his “second missionary journey” to the city of Turin, and the situation gets even worse than when he was around. The indecisiveness of the recruitment crew in the transfer market has not in any way helped the team. Cristiano Ronaldo, whose 18 league goals last season ensured that the team did not finish 14th on the league table, is bent on leaving as the Portuguese refuse to understand why he would do a season without playing in what seems like his natural habitat, the UEFA Champions League.

So far this season, under the new manager, they have played two games and have lost both; 1-2 at home to Brentford and 0-4 away to Brighton and Hove Albion. This is the first time in over a century when United’s coach would lose its first two competitive matches of the season. The new coach seems to be at a loss as to where to start fixing the team’s problems. The kind of substitutions he made against Brentford, last weekend, speaks volumes. They’re now rooted at the bottom of the league table with zero points and a “-5” goal difference.

In the words of David Anderson, of The Mirror: “When it comes to dealing with a mountain of problems, only the next (British) prime minister can top Erik ten Hag’s in tray”. With due respect, I do not think Anderson is right, to have named the next British prime minister as the only one who can top Erik Ten Hag when it comes to dealing with a mountain of problems. The next president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria is the one, who can top the Dutchman.

To start with, what is the state of the British economy compared to that of Nigeria that makes Anderson thinks Britain has more issues to deal with than the latter? What is the rate of poverty in the UK compared to the most populous black nation in the world? What about security? Which of the two countries is less safe than the other? How lucrative and easy is the business of kidnapping in Great Britain? When was the last time university teachers or medical doctors in the UK went on strike? What is the value of the British Pounds Sterling to other major currencies in the world compared to the naira against same? What is the state of their roads in the UK? How functional, or otherwise, is the rail system in each of the two countries? When last did their national electricity grid collapse, if it has ever happened, since after the Second World War? Do the Britons know how it feels for one not to have health insurance coverage? How divided is the British society along the lines of ethnicity and religion? What is the ratio of their foreign and domestic debts to their earnings?

The above are some of the problems that await the next Nigerian president from May 29, 2023. When, and if indeed, the winner gets sworn in next year, he would be inheriting the weakest naira in the history of the currency in terms of its value against the dollar and the British pounds sterling. He would have to think about how to return Nigerians to being able to travel by road from Kaduna to Abuja and vice versa. He would have to think about and work out measures that would make every farmer in the country, especially in the north, feel safe enough to go back to their farmland and make Nigeria a net exporter of food as opposed to her current status as a net importer. Furthermore, he would also have to fashion out how those who are behind the “sit-at-home” order in the south-east will back out without firing a shot. In the same vein, he must look for, how Sunday Igboho and his followers will once again believe in ‘One Nigeria’, instead of ‘The Yoruba Nation’.

Likewise, he would also have to wave his magic wand and ensure that Nigerian children and indeed adults do not die of such common diseases as malaria. On education, how to return the striking university lecturers to the classroom, by addressing their demands which, to me, are very legitimate and not self-serving as the minister of state for labour and employment wants us to believe. He must also ensure that the learning environment in our schools is made conducive to such a level that it will attract foreign students from around the world. Nigeria’s incoming president must focus on returning millions of out-of-school children to the classroom. Our national unemployment rate, one of the highest in the world, must be brought to such a level that industries such as armed robbery, kidnapping, internet fraud, and insurgency, are denied the luxury of recruiting Nigerian youths. He must ensure that an average Nigerian enjoys an average of 18-hour-per-day electricity, for a start.

If only, David Anderson has been aware of the above “job description” for the next president of Nigeria, I am not sure he would wish for the next British prime minister that many jobs, unless the person in question had snatched his girlfriend.

So, as Manchester United fans look forward to returning the team to the good old days of glory when their darling team competed in the highest level of club competition, Nigerians are also looking forward to having a president who is up to the daunting task of restoring the peace, the unity, and the progress of the nation. It must however be noted that all the problems the next British prime minister, and Manchester United manager, Erik Ten Hag, have to solve combined, are not up to ⅛th of the ones to be solved by the next president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Like I always say, we live in a time when the job of being Nigeria’s president is not the most attractive one in the land. Not because the pay is not right but because of the enormity of the problems the (un)lucky person would have to solve, as urgently as possible, without a commensurate resource to execute the tasks. The problems facing the new Manchester United manager might look as difficult as the ones the next British prime minister would have to tackle upon assumption of office but they are unlike those the next commander-in-chief of the armed forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria is expected to solve, as soon as he settles into the office.

Let me end this piece in vernacular: “Ponmo and chicken fit be the same size, but dem no be the same price for buka. Ogogoro and Sprite, fit get the same colour, but dem no get the same taste. Naija no be UK mate for problem mata”.

Abubakar writes from Ilorin. He can be reached via 08051388285 or [email protected]