Prophecies for the president

This the season when the seers and prophets come out in droves to share prophecies ranging from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous. The “prophecies” are usually targeted at the elite in the society (within and outside Nigeria) as though the masses do not matter in kingdom matters.

However, as this is an important aspect of the Nigerian socio-cultural existence, we asked the highly acclaimed and globally acknowledged seer, Prophet Agnebg Ajibeda to similarly ignore everyone else and focus only on the most important man in Nigeria, President Bola Ahmed Tinubu.

The prophecies from the Prophet have been categorized into a month-by-month basis as “ received”.
JANUARY
Opposition parties launch an angry tirade against President Tinubu for his absence from any Crossover services held on New Year’s Eve. In a joint statement, the opposition parties decried what they described as a “transgression of monumental spiritual implications”. According to the spokesperson, “ We are cross over the fact that President Tinubu did not attend any cross over service”.

FEBRUARY.
Guinness Book of Records announces plans to change their name to BAT Book of Records following the Nigerian President’s widely reported comments in 2023 that he deserved to be included in the publication due to his administrations socio-economic reforms.

MARCH
As part of the festivities to celebrate President Tinubu’s birthday, leading members from other political parties are invited to Aso Rock for “ Chop,Chop”. Political analysts note that this is so far the most peaceful era of the Tinubu Presidency.

APRIL
Another major scandal engulfs the Tinubu Presidency following widespread media reports that a routine medical check reveals that the President has red blood running through his veins.
“ Is it too much to ask that our President should have green-white-green blood and not red?” queries the opposition parties in several full page advertorials published in Nigeria’s leading newspapers.

The Presidency issues a two-word response “ Bloody Fools”
MAY
President Tinubu announces a groundbreaking initiative to combat climate change by planting a tree for every time he is attacked by the opposition. The United Nations and other climate change activists applaud this move and encourage other Presidents around the world to emulate the Nigerian President. “ This is the most significant and transformative initiative with the potential to positively impact the global climate change agenda” says the UN.
JUNE

More trouble as alleged plans to mark Democracy Day at Tinubu Square, Lagos is stridently condemned by a broad spectrum of civic and political groups. The Presidency backtracks and issues a one-line rebuttal which is widely hailed as a classic.
“ Tinubu Square ko, Tinubu Triangle ni “

JULY
There is no respite for President Tinubu as a leaked report confirmed that he sleeps with both eyes closed at night. Another Press Conference is called by the opposition parties. “ It is so disheartening and discouraging to hear that the President sleeps with both eyes closed despite all the problems and challenges the country is facing”.
When asked how else the President should sleep, the opposition parties declare that

“ The President should not sleep at all or at least sleep with one eye open until all the major issues have been resolved,”.

AUGUST

The Tinubu administration announces plans for a trip to outer space to source for foreign investors. “ This is a carefully articulated and deliberate strategy to expand the frontiers of ongoing initiatives to boost foreign direct investment into our economy. All possible options on earth have already been explored so it is time to aim for the sky. We will start with the moon, then the sun and later undertake a tour of the planets” a Presidential spokesman confirmed.

SEPTEMBER
A video of the President in the gym is leaked on social media causing widespread outrage among the opposition. “ Why is the President jumping upandan instead of sitting in one place to solve the numerous problems of Nigeria? Did we elect a WWE or MMA fighter as President ? Does he think he is Arnold Schwarze…Schwarzeneg… Schwarzenegger?”

OCTOBER
Stakeholders hail the Tinubu administration for finally solving the worrisome issue of the exchange rate. The CBN announces a pioneering bilateral arrangement which sees Nigeria and United States in a currency swap.

The official currency of the United States becomes the Naira while Nigeria becomes a dollar economy.

NOVEMBER
Mr. Macaroni visits Aso Rock and he gifts President Tinubu his eye- glasses. There are unconfirmed reports that the President also develops the habit of whipping off his glasses during cabinet meetings whenever he is surprised.
DECEMBER
TIME Magazine announces President Tinubu as “ Man Of The Year” . A joint statement by the opposition pooh-poohs the Award . “ It is time to state very categorically that it is not yet time for President Tinubu to win the TIME Award. The timing of the TIME award is suspect and obviously badly timed at a time majority of Nigerians do not have any time for such things”.

Disclaimer: This article is a fictional, humorous piece and not a reflection of real events or statements by any individual or organization. Any similarities are purely coincidental