Is it right to have sex before going to church?

Dear Praise,

What is your take on a couple having sex before going to church. For instance, I discover my hubby doesn’t like having sex any time we have to go to church or the Saturday before Sunday because he feels it would reduce his anointing. I am not finding this funny at all and it is beginning to look as if I am sent to destroy his ministry by trying to have sex with him. Please what is your take on this matter sir?

Sesi A – Ghana

Dear Sesi,

Thanks for your question and the trust you have in us at TheCable to be able to do justice to this issue. I wouldn’t know the paradigm your man is operating with but I have met a number of people with the same beliefs. It is quite common among some religious leaders and it could have been part of the ministerial ethics that they were taught from the Bible school or it could have been borne out of personal revelation.

As a professional counsellor, there is no justification for a spouse’s inability to have sex with his wife except the two of them have come to an agreement to abstain for some time. I am not also sure I have read any passage of the Bible to back up his action.

Having said that, however, I would also want to believe he must have his reasons and since he is a minister as explained by you my humble suggestion is for you to allow him be. If he claims sex before ministration negatively affects his performance on the pulpit would you rather insist he engages in sex and performs poorly?

People are doing the best they can with what they know and until he catches a new revelation you may not be able to change the present one. I’d worry if you had said he starves you of sex but it is looking like the only time he is asking for space is before his spiritual exercise and I’d advice you let him be as long as he is willing to adequately service you after his ministration.

There are several religious taboos that people have and I have learnt to respect people’s choices and decisions because I am not in their shoes and couldn’t have known the motive and the revelation behind some of these decisions. I know pastors who never talk to anyone before they preach because they believe talking drains the anointing. So let’s learn to respect other people’s model of the world so that we can all experience peace. If you can discuss it once again with him to know if there are other reasons behind his abstinence from sex before preaching but should he insist it is a personal revelation I would advise you allow peace reign.

God bless and do let us know about your progress.

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My brother in-law is making my life miserable

Dear Praise

I am so grateful for the matured way you have been handling this matters of the heart column and I pray to God to preserve you for us. I have been married for 3years but my husband decided to allow his brother to come live with us and I haven’t known peace since he started living with us from the first week of our marriage. He never assists with household chores and drops his plates for me to wash. I haven’t really complained about all these because I wanted to avoid a conflict but was stunned recently when my hubby travelled and my brother in law brought in his girl friend to spend the night in our home. He did not stop at that the so called lady went into my kitchen to cook for him and they spent the entire weekend doing all sorts in our home. I have reported him to my hubby but he hasn’t taken any action and this is upsetting my home. Please what is your counsel?

Tina E – Lagos

Dear Tina,

I don’t want to imagine what you could have been going through at this time but would also want you to know that you are not alone as there are several women in your position at the moment.

I think a lot has gone wrong from the foundation because there are things you are supposed to have agreed on before even getting married. Courtship is a period for interview and in-law relationships ought to have been trashed out but it seems there was no form of discussion or agreement before now.

I started this way because I always counsel newlyweds never to allow anyone live with them in the first year of their marriage so that they can properly bond and that lack of bonding has become so visible in your marriage at the moment.

The second aspect of your marriage I’d love to troubleshoot is the style of family government you guys run because I’d never for the life of me understand why an adult that should relieve you of domestic stress is the one creating stress for you.

Your home doesn’t belong to your brother in-law and living in your house and eating your food is not a right; it is a privilege. It seems this guy has no single respect for you and his brother and when situations are like this you and your hubby must take a position that protects your marriage.

The last person you want in your home is someone who would not submit to the authority of your home and be a positive role model to your kids. I’d suggest you raise some cash and assist him to rent a room so that he can start his life and do whatever he likes but if he must live in your house then he must learn to abide by your laws. Having said that I am a bit worried at your husband’s non responsiveness to this crisis. I’d need you to sit down with your man and talk through what is happening and how it affects the kind of home you want to build and the values you want to promote. Both of you must take a joint position and he must communicate your decisions to him.

Please do keep us posted and stay calm but insist on what promotes and protects your marriage.