SATIRE: Apostle Suleman’s letter to God

Dear God,

I praise you, God, for saving my beautiful family and me from enemies who wanted to kill me and destroy the wonderful work that I am doing for you. Nobody else in your vineyard is delivering souls for you like I am. Thank you for ensuring no bullet scraped even a single hair on my skin. Such a misfortune would have been a disaster. Trust me when I say this, God, if something had happened to my immaculate family or me, it would have shaken the world’s confidence in your greatness.

By your singular act last week, you have reassured me again that you are faithful to those who trust and worship you. You have never disappointed us. In Isaiah 40.31, you promised us that “those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings of eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak”.

My God, you proved all that last week. On the wings of eagles, you took my perfect family and me away from my enemies. You made us run without getting weary. You made us walk without growing weak when we were near my house. May your name be praised. You have renewed my strength. I will serve you more and more, for I have seen your glory.

You said in Isaiah 54: 17 that “no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord”.

You vindicated yourself beyond any doubt. You confused my enemies and had them kill my security men, drivers, and some low-level groupies. In Exodus 23: 22, you promised, “But if you carefully obey his voice and do all that I say, then I will be enemy of your enemies and an adversary of your adversaries”.

In the eyes of the world, the weapons my enemies fashioned against me failed. You became the enemy of my enemies and the adversary of my adversaries. There is nobody like you, God. You did so because I carefully obeyed your voice and did all you said. My enemies do not see this because they spend their time reading stupid blogs and social media
posts about me.

In Luke 6: 27 – 36, you said, “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you and from one who takes away your goods, do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them”.

Excuse me, God, I hope you know that your proclamations here are obsolete. From Stephanie Otobo to Chioma Ifemeludike, these are the troubled children I have blessed. I had done good to them more than any man they ever knew. When I say good, I mean real good in the church and the oza room. Yet, what did I get in return? They struck me on the cheek. I offered the other cheek as you commanded. And they struck me again. They did not end it there. They recruited other women of easy virtue to tarnish my image. I did not mind them. They took my cloak. One
of them, Stephanie, took my tunic and took a picture of the thing hidden behind the tunic. She showed it to the world all to destroy me. That was when I said, “enough is enough”.

Excuse me, God, if it were you that someone took your cloak and your tunic and exposed to the world the thing hidden behind the tunic, what would you do? Would you sit back and let them? I doubt it.

In Romans 12: 14, you said, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them”.

Excuse me, God, but I don’t think you understand the world we live in now. The enemies we have today are very vicious. They are not the type that we can treat with kid’s gloves. There is no blessing them; hell no. We need not just curse them; we must declare fire for fire. It is the language that they understand.

I know that you are a mighty God and all that. But trust me, if I did not secure my family inside a bulletproof vehicle, we would have been dead by now. And the shame would have been yours, my God. Please excuse me for saying so. You and I know that it is true.

Without that bulletproof car, I would have been a dead man, like Prophet T.B. Joshua. By now, my wife would have been fighting my pastors for who would control my church. Some of my over-ambitious pastors would have been renting big halls across Auchi and Ekpoma to start their own churches. They would be planning my funeral now, and those who hated me for the work I was doing for you would have been mocking me and making fun of you, God.

Please excuse me, God, but I did you a great favor in buying this bulletproof vehicle. I wasn’t the only one that would have been made fun of. Some of my enemies already say that you did not reveal this attack to me when you spoke to me on December 31, 2021. God, what is up with that? Why did you fall my hand? I am the only one that can tell you
this, God. Other workers in your vineyard will lie to you.

Please, excuse me, God, but you embarrassed me. You played into the hands of my enemies by making it look as if we do not know what we are doing. Haba! Common now, I don’t like that one bit. If we continue to be partners, you must fill me in on all your plans—no more surprises.

If you must let my enemies kill people around me, at least let me know on time so I can fortify myself. That way, I can come out of the car at the first sound of the gun and tell the shooters to stay still, the same way you ordered the storm to be still, and it obeyed. If there were people they killed, I would raise them from the dead, like you raised Lazarus. That would have been more like it. It would have made me look like a professional, not a whimper, which you turned me into with your surprise attack.

In Romans 12: 19, you warned us: “Beloved, never avenge yourself, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord”.

As a result of all that has transpired since I signed up to work with you, I beg your indulgence to, henceforth, let me take care of the vengeance aspect of this job. I don’t like how you are handling that part. Either you are too slow or distracted to sense the dangers before they strike or let the enemies know that the best defense is an attack.

Finally, excuse me, God, if I sound rude, but it gets to a point when a man has to be a man and not wait for the heavens to save him from enemies here on earth.

I hope you understand. Once again, thank you for saving my life and my family’s life. As for the security men, drivers, and my groupies killed, please have mercy on their poor souls. I know that after death, it is judgment. As a result, it is late for some of them to make heaven. But God, see what you can do to get them far away from the hottest places in
hell. Being that they died while working for me should count for something. Yes or No? Please excuse me, God. I am not saying you should break the rules for them or give them special treatment. As we say in Nigeria, I am just pleading for you to “see what you can do”.

Yours truly,

Apostle Johnson Suleman

Omega Fire Ministries International

Okonkwo teaches Post-Colonial African History at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. He is also the host of Dr. Damages Show. His books include “This American Life Sef”, “Children of a Retired God,” among others