SATIRE: Trump must win this election, whether he likes it or not

Because former President Donald Trump is just a friendly, humble, caring, and truthful guy who does not want to hurt your feelings, he will not tell you this. Fortunately for you, I am not a pleasant fellow like Trump. I will tell you things he will not.

Trump must win this election, whether he likes it or not. And here are the reasons I think so.

If Trump does not win, it is over for straight men and women. Within the next four years of Kamala Harris’s presidency, men married to dogs and women married to trees will dominate wedding ceremonies in our beautiful country. Our military will be full of men who wear white skirts and dance ballet when enemy soldiers are at our borders tearing down walls that Trump built with Mexico’s money. It would be a sad day for America.

If Trump does not win, the churches in America will close, and the dumb-as-a-rock government of Kamala Harris will move white evangelicals to a refugee camp in the middle of America. The government of low-IQ Kamala Harris will hand magnificent cathedrals over to Muslims as Christmas gifts to turn them into mosques. What used to be church altars would be a place to chop off the heads and hands of American women who went against the Sharia Law and left their necks uncovered. They would hang men off the church bells’ tower for whistling at women walking down Fifth Avenue.

If Trump does not win, the Harris government will relegate white people, who now make up only 71% of the US population today, to some reservations in West Virginia. On the reservation, Harris will provide them with sufficient alcohol and drugs to entertain themselves. Harris will seize all their wealth and hand them over to her people in India. She will essentially convert all the five-star hotels in America into Econo Lodge and Holiday Inn franchises.

If Trump does not win, Mexico and California will adopt Spanish as their official language, and authorities there will sentence anyone who speaks English in those states to ten years on Rikers Island prison in New York. If you had spent a day on Rikers Island, you would know how severe the punishment is.

If Trump does not win, the American flag will become the preferred garbage bag of the political elite in Washington, DC, New York, and Boston. They will spread that unholy policy to California, Arizona, and Nevada. Just imagine trash day Tuesday, how the streets of America will look with American-flag-themed trash bags on the streets of this great nation. Abomination.

If Trump does not win, the government will be at your doorsteps every morning to give you a vaccine before you step outside for work. They will produce your child’s lunch at school in a secret laboratory in New Mexico. Your groceries will come straight from these same labs where the government will use chemicals from nuclear waste and the Chinese virus to manufacture your steak and cheese.

If Trump does not win this election, the day after Harris’s swearing-in, the police will knock on your door and collect all your guns. They will search every nook and cranny of your house until they find all your short guns and AK-47s. And with your guns taken, the FBI and the CIA will bring out the Native Americans from their reservations and the black and brown people from their prisons to take over your homes, marry your daughters, and lower American IQ further.

If Trump does not win this election, Nancy Pelosi will throw the first pitch at the next World Series. Liz Cheney will start for the Dodgers next baseball season, and men in skimpy shorts will ruin beach volleyball for all of us. In a radical left government, the next heavyweight boxing championship will be between Mike Tyson and Rosie O’Donnell.

If Trump does not win, Kamala Harris will bundle up Elon Musk and ship him back to South Africa. The government will give all of Elon Musk’s billions to George Soros to use in funding abortions and transgender surgeries in America. It will be a sad day for America.

If Trump does not win this election, Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity will share a cell at the United States Penitentiary Florence Administrative Maximum Facility(ADX Florence, also known as the Florence Supermax. They will be lucky if Harris does not send them to the electric chair for doing nothing but defend your right to free speech, equal rights under the law, and freedom of religion for all the Abrahamic faiths.

If Trump does not win, you will never hear anyone chant USA, USA, USA, ever again in America. Instead of people urging our military to Fight, Fight, Fight, they will be screaming, Run, Run, Run. The government will ban the playing of “Macho Man” on radio stations across America to ensure it does not offend some MeToo people.

If Trump does not win, Harris will bear the burden of pardoning Donald Trump for all the federal charges against him and let bygone be bygone. For these reasons, Trump must win this election, whether he likes it or not.

Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo teaches Post-Colonial African History, Afrodiasporan Literature, and African Folktales at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. He is also the host of Dr. Damages Show. His books include “This American Life Sef” and “Children of a Retired God.” among others. His upcoming book is called “Why I’m Disappointed in Jesus.”