SATIRE: Vice-President Shettima’s speech to UN general assembly

The secretary-general of the United Nations, heads of states, esteemed representatives, ladies and gentlemen. Before I share the address from my principal, His Excellency Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, I wish to offer a few reflections of my own.

I am not sure when I will next have the honour of addressing you in this capacity. It may be next year or in another two or six years. But I am confident that I will return. Until then, I heed what our African elders said: “When a man climbs an Iroko tree, he should harvest firewood while on top.”

I stand before you today as a representative of a new generation of African leaders. We are not the subdued leaders the world has dealt with since independence. We are proud men and women who did not give a hoot what happened during colonization. We did not live through what the West did to Patrice Lumumba in Congo. We only read it in our history books and internalized the lessons. We grew up hearing of Ronald Reagan’s bombs landing near Muammar Gaddafi’s bedroom. We marvelled at Reagan’s arrogance and internalized the lessons. You won’t catch us quoting Nelson Mandela. If you listen to us, you hear us espousing Winnie Mandela’s words and wisdom and the resilience of our forebears.

We are patient. Our patience masks our urgency. That is who we are. Gedi kanadiben tsannawa. Heaven resides at the bottom of patience.

I am Kanuri, a descendant of a proud and storied tradition. I am, by nature, a warrior. I am not from one of the ethnic groups out of Nigeria mesmerized by the long nose of the British. I know where we were before the British invaded and halted our development. We have not forgotten. Despite your years of miseducation, of adulteration of our history, we know deep inside us that the hippopotamus surpasses an elephant by one calabash of flesh and that an elephant surpasses a hippopotamus by one calabash of bones.

At the right time, we will restart our journey and, in a short while, wipe out a century of disruptions. Those of you worried about a bold and ambitious China better prepare for an informed and vengeful Africa that will emerge when this crop of old and tired leaders you see in this chamber today die off and leave the stage for us.

We are not going to toe the lines of our fathers and grandfathers. The era of sucking up to you all and licking your behind is all but over. When we take complete control, you will know new kids are on the block.

So, my advice is this: if I were you, I would abandon all the relics of the past. A new generation of Africans who know their worth, what is in the soil under their feet, the beauty of the culture bequeathed to them, and the power of the spirituality of their forefather have come of age.

We are not the apologetic type. We do not concoct excuses for our failures. We do not revere white or brown skins. We know where we come from and where we are going. We do not accept that any mission is impossible, and we do not entertain the idea that any goal is improbable. No force can stop us.

For those of you who may not know, the members of the Boko Haram insurgency group that you must have heard of in Nigeria are my people. The boys might have channelled their energy in the wrong direction, but with a minor adjustment, they will turn it around and astonish the world. We did it before. We will do it again. When we set out on a mission, we are undeterred by any force in the world. That is who we are.

It is not too early for you to start asking yourself, what will we change to live in peace and harmony with this emerging Africa? The platitudes about shared prosperity and equal partnership will not cut it anymore. Our immense talent, creativity, unquenchable resolve, and ambition will no longer let us swallow our phlegm. There is a small window for you all to make amends and make space for possible redemption. The choice is yours.

If you want peace, we will give you peace. If you want war, we will give you war. We won’t be bullied. Decades of exploitation of African resources at our expense must stop. Our famished populace deserves respect and dignity, and we will restore them. You won’t see us bring out a bagger’s hat anymore. In our hands, you will see streams of codes, quantum threads, nano-rings, and sweats of molecular clouds. Our soils have lithium, uranium, diatomite, diamond, gold, and kaolin. Our brains have the necessary neurons it needs to produce drones, nuclear weapons, and spacecraft. Nothing in your modular oblongata makes you superior in any shape or form. We are going to achieve those in my lifetime.

So buckle up. By now, we know you very well. You have been as cunning as a weasel. Your imaginary tropes aimed at humiliating us have lost their potency. You may not have noticed it, but nobody has a monopoly on evil. Begin to treat us with dignity and respect, or else we may not have any iota of interest in being merciful for decades of exploitation and dehumanization when we get to the top. That danger should keep you up at night. We will forget when fowls cut their teeth.

The cowrie shells we threw on the ground have assured us of the divine response. The daybreak will catch you all hyenas while you are on your way. Consider yourself warned. The world is my witness.

I now invite Nigeria’s permanent representative to the United Nations to come up here and read President Bola Tinubu’s speech to the United Nations.

Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo teaches Post-Colonial African History, Afrodiasporan Literature, and African Folktales at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. He is also the host of Dr. Damages Show. His books include “This American Life Sef” and “Children of a Retired God,” among others. His upcoming book is called “Why I’m Disappointed in Jesus.”