Sex with an ex: Yes, no… maybe?

The answer to this question depends on an individual’s mental state, both at present and how one wants to feel in the future. If you are happy and content with your current love-life, you would not even entertain the thought of sleeping with an ex.

Breakups and divorces could be devastating and not a lot of people deal with it well. Be you, the architect or the recipient of a breakup, contrary to how it might seem at that point; no one goes home a winner. Hence people seek out several ways to cope with the loss of a relationship – one of which is sleeping with the ex.

Reasons behind sleeping with one whom you are no longer romantically involved with, have ranged from the ridiculous to the selfish and the bizarre. Here are some self-titled ‘laws’ governing this practice.

The Law of Repeated Action

Not trying to go scientific, but this law exists. A friend of mine literally broke the guy-code by introducing me to it. This law, which is most commonly practised by guys, applies the principle of I-was-there-once-and-can-always-go-back. A man’s ego rules his body parts and the feeling that he somehow possesses what technically is not his (considering the woman owns her body) affects the way he approaches relationships. When a man with this train of thought wants to prove his masculinity, he seeks out his unsuspecting, clearly gullible former partner and they hit the sack.

The Law of Familiar Territory

This law is favoured mostly by women who go to great lengths to have their bodies in fantastic shape for their partners. A first date for the female folk is nerve-wracking and requires intense preparation. From her body to her dressing and grooming, care is taken to present a good first impression. Then, she gets the man (or woman – I’m not judging) and in most cases she gets lazy. She gets comfortable with this individual and sex becomes no longer awkward. Fast-forward to post-breakup and she panics. Thoughts of how she would go through the hard work of ‘packaging’ herself for another partner runs through her mind. At that moment, she likes and embraces the idea of sex with a familiar territory ─ also known as the ex.

The Law of Payback

Relationships bring out the pettiness in each one of us – vengeance being the chief of them. When a relationship (marriage inclusive) bites the dust, the more aggrieved party feels a need to get back at an ex by luring him into revenge-sex. This law however works when one has amazing confidence about the sex life shared with an ex and believes the gaping hole created by the breakup will be filled by making an ex miss her post-coitus. She might even exit the session with the see-what-you-lost glow and a spring in her step.

The Law of Challenge

The law of challenge serves as a litmus test for checking an ex’s attraction to a former partner. Does he still find me attractive? Can I still seduce her? When residual feelings persist after a breakup, an individual might proceed on this journey of discovery just for the sake of it. One could be spurred on from within or from friends.

The Law of Revival

This is mostly the most common reason for having sexual relationship with an ex. Most people’s motive might be to fan the flames of love (or whatever feeling they shared), remind themselves of what had been and rekindle the relationship. This law generally pull the exes into long periods of ‘trial-and-error’ liaisons that might culminate in a second chance.

The Law of Boredom

It takes boldness or even acceptance of a breakup to apply this law.  When boredom sets in and no one is in sight to scratch a sexual itch, a self-assured ex can throw caution to the wind and get back into bed with an erstwhile partner. The sweet nectar in this arrangement is – only two people that have truly moved on from each other can pull this off with no emotional strings attached.

While sex with an ex might rekindle dead flames of a relationship, research indicates reconciliation is typically fleeting and soon burns out.

Whatever your reasons are for sleeping with an ex, remember:

• The person is an ex for a reason and post breakup sex will not change the gnawing issues that caused the ruin of the relationship in the first place. Lack of communication, abuse, infidelity or even general incompatibility cannot be wished away with some sessions of rolling in the hay.
• If you are trying to form a relationship with someone new, sexual intercourse with an ex will ruin the chances of future happiness you are trying to grasp.
• Sex with an ex does not do anything for your psychological health as it makes you live in the past. It does not help with getting over a breakup as you keep looking behind for paradise lost. This invariably affects every other aspect of your life. Forward ever, backward never.
• Someone gets hurt at the end of the day and you do not want it to be you. Sex with an ex might bring momentary pleasure but the first person to move on and get exclusive with someone else gets away unscathed.
• Sex with an ex encourages low self-esteem. If you do not dive into the dating pool after a breakup and still get hung up on a past relationship, your impression of yourself will be greatly affected by what the ex thought of you. Get out there and hear what potential dates think of you and you will be amazed, and uplifted.
• Sex with an ex confuses kids of divorce as they hold on to false hope of reconciliation between their parents. When eventually it does not happen, more hearts are broken.

Carefully count the cost of sex with an ex before submitting to it.