Sibling rivalry: Bully vs Dunce

“I want to become a medical doctor”, she replied, chewing her meat. Some oil dripped from the corners of her mouth. I rushed to wipe them away before they stained her school uniform. I always like the pristine look; mine was a far cry from it.  I wish we attended the same school.

“What about you, what will you like to become in the future? See the way you are chewing your food like a goat.” I looked up and was taken aback. My sister’s mouth was making so much noise, and her side of the table was a complete mess. I quickly swallowed what was in my mouth.

“A nurse….”, My parents broke into a fit of laughter.“Ha ha, so you want to be an assistant to your younger sister. Ok o….I just cannot wrap my head around how you function”.  My father shook his head and went back to his food. My sister left for the kitchen. I got up, packed my plate and cup and was on my way when I was firmly pulled back by my mother.

“Didn’t you see your sister’s plate? Pack them and come back to clean the table, I mean everywhere. Is that clear? After that, wash the plates.” I stood fixated as my mum picked my sister’s school bag…..

Although “Sibling Rivalry” starts from when the stomach protrudes with a new baby, It is often worsened by the actions and inactions of parents, who breed unhealthy competitive behavior by showing preference for one child over the other. According to Jane Mersky Leder in the article “Adult Sibling Rivalry” (Psychology Today; January, 1^st, 1993) “Still for a third of us, discord sown early endures for a lifetime.” Sibling rivalry transcends childhood. It is a memory that last a lifetime.It is a bad seed that grows into a huge tree that outlives several generations.

The preferred or pampered of the siblings are not better than the victimized. They both swing to the opposite ends of the continuum, becoming either a bully or a dunce, depending on natural personality and tendencies. A choleric child will develop a sense of superiority and become a bully if pampered. If this same child is victimized, he/she will shed off certain self confidence and become a recluse. They may also become aggressive as a defense mechanism. This will affect their performance into adulthood; define their relationship with colleagues at work and may change a potential leader to an under-achiever. If a melancholic child is shown such preference, they grow to become dependent adults with a false sense of entitlement. They are hardly able to sustain a relationship and will often wait for their parents to take all decisions for them.

It is extremely difficult not to show preference for a particular child because circumstances of birth, a culture that prefers certain sex, and our definition of excellence affect our posture.  I have a friend who has a boy and a girl, and not minding their age or sex, gives them everything in a 50-50 measure. Another friend wrote a few weeks back about ensuring that his children ate from the same place once in a while, to teach them tolerance.

The “Hate-Factor” is exponential as the years roll by, leaving little or no opportunity for amendment. Parenting is an unscripted role like most natural roles such as motherhood, fatherhood etc. We learn orally from the mistakes of others and can only mitigate our own errors to some minimum. Like I told a friend, if you have a good father relish it, but do not stay in that bubble. Burst it, and let your children write better stories about you. You owe them a duty. So, as parents, teachers and influencers, what must we do to ensure a healthy balance?

BREAK THE MONOPOLY – Instead of buying a book and writing the name of a particular child, or specifying ownership of a toy, throw it into the library or pool of family things. Teach them the act of sharing as early as possible.

TEACH THEM TOLERANCE AND NEGOTIATION: Pitch them against each other. Most intolerance seen at places of work, political unrest or international terrorism started from the corners of a sitting room between children who cannot share a plate of cookies without a fuss or negotiate on how to watch their favourite TV show without pulling down the roof. They will grow into adults who cannot tolerate their spouses, colleagues at work or share a driveway with a neighbour. Don’t buy a new TV! Force them to share the toys.

TEACH TEAM WORK – Instead of asking your daughter to wash the plate in the morning and your son to do the afternoon dishes, allow them to pair up to do the dishes for a change. Let someone wash while the other rinses the plates. Initially you kitchen maybe flooded or your soap wasted, but eventually It will fosters peaceful co-existence and mutual respect for each other.

CELEBRATE SUCCESS ON THE MERITS OF INDIVIDUAL TALENTS: Never Show Preference – Toughest for parents especially when one child meets our yardstick of excellence more than the other. However, once you make up your mind to see each child as a unique individual and to understand that you owe them a duty to succeed, you will start measuring and.

CURB THEIR SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT OR SUPERIORITY – Do not give any child a false sense of superiority over others, even if they are older. Don’t pamper the youngest, thereby giving him or her anything at the slightest request. Play by a general rule for the house, and do not bend it for any child no matter how difficult it may be.

TEACH THEM RESPONSIBILITY – Let them know that no matter how much they try, they can never replace their siblings with an outsider. Teach them to protect each other and to love each other genuinely.

TEACH THEM FORGIVENESS: Always ensure that a feud does not degenerate into a third world war under your watch. Ensure that you settle every quarrel and misgivings in their infancy. If for any reason, you already have sibling rivalry going on in your home, nip it in the bud. Don’t play the ostrich and imagine that in the future it will be resolved. It often becomes cancerous and more complicated.

MINIMIZE THE SOCIAL MEDIA AND GADGETS: Friendship and maintenance of relationship has been re-defined by the nuances of the 21^st century. Siblings who do not speak to each other are friend on facebook, or follow each other on twitter for the wrong reasons. Instead of the fluid and virtual global village structure that lack touch or feel, Create opportunities for your children to bond physically. Take away the game pad and let them have physical interaction with each other. Be intentional about it.

PRAY FOR THEM: As a parent, teacher or an influencer, ensure you pray for them. Ask that God sows the seed of love in their heart. Ask that the Holy Spirit waters it to fruition.

Remember, it is not about perfection. Be Genuine!

Dayo Oladele-Ilori is an International Conference Speaker, Entrepreneur, Author, Wife, and Mother. She is the convener of WELEAD –www.weleadnetwork.org . Email – [email protected]