[SISI WENDY] How much of your past should your fiancé know?

Once you both have reached that stage where you decide that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, there are no longer and should no longer be barriers of any kind.

Along with love, trust is one of most important requirements of a happy married life. You may have enough love for each other but when lies and half-truths eat away at the foundations, the whole relationship can collapse.  A lot of people are afraid of their past mistakes and the fact that it may come one day to haunt them in this new venture in life. Karma, they say, comes to bite one in the foot. But the whole point of marriage is the ability to be able to bare it all regardless to the one you are with.

So how much of your pasts do you really need to disclose to your partner when getting married? These are the most important points to be very honest about.

Previous relationships. Most people do not believe that talking about past relationships matter once you’ve taken that bold step to be together forever. But in fact it does. It is important to talk about this even in the first stages of the relationship – that is before it progresses to marriage. For instance, a lot of people who got deflowered by a man they loved ended up with their heart broken by the same person but is still probably sprung because he/she was their first. Some have lost body count of the many people they have been with. However, it is not necessary that you count all your exes on your fingers either to satisfy your partner’s curiosity or to underline your own popularity. Neither is it mandatory that you give a detailed description of your past sexual exploits. It is just important to let your fiancé know such things for the assurance that you are now ready for greater commitment. As such, issues need to be discussed with the future partner so as to know better how to solve these things should the matter arise in flesh, while on your way to pick up coffee at a restaurant. Life, and marriage in total, is more real that stuff seen in romantic fictions.

Health issues. Health is another topic that needs to be strictly addressed once you say yes to the ring. Revealing one’s medical history is always almost a difficult thing to do as to most, this is the most intimate aspect of their lives. But what if your fiancée wishes to know about your medical past? It would bring you utmost relief once you share the basics of your medical status be it good or bad. Because most medical conditions are hereditary, it is important you both know what is at stake instead of being surprised later in the marriage and blames start to fly high. Most conditions come with triggers and side effects that, if not told or revealed, may not be able to be helped when the situation arises. It enables you to seek for any possible treatment and if none, helps to live a healthy lifestyle to accommodate your condition, together. Talk also about history of substance abuse or alcohol addiction. All are important.

Finances. Money is one of the foremost reasons a marriage eventually ends. As much as both of you are about to embark on your journey to become one, your personalities don’t exactly automatically merge into place and become one. You both came into the marriage with your different approaches to things – while one might be the extravagant life enjoyer, the other might be a lot more reserved and firm believer in the merits of keeping a nest egg. A lot of financial decisions are going to be made in the marriage, so except you both figure out how to balance your needs and wants and adopt the necessity of a scale of preference, there is going to be some major rocking of the marital boat. Because, along with sex and infidelity, money features as the major reason for marital conflicts and divorce.

Family matters. Family always sets a major block in a way in a relationship. From the fact that they can be selective as to whom one should marry according to values and culture, to the fact that once the marriage falls into place, they become a major burden to you. If you know you have that kind of family, it is important to let your partner know what is at stake. Take for instance an Igbo tradition of inheriting bills and payments once a daughter in the family is married out. Most spouses aren’t aware of this before they plunge and get instead into a swarm of debts once married.

It is always best if you let in on your fiancé about the dynamics of your family, if nothing else, at least to avoid confusion and embarrassment. After all a marriage is not simply a union of two individuals but also a bonding of two different families. At the same time, intimate details about your family members like a sister having been abused as a child or an uncle’s traumatic experience in the combat zone need not be shared with a partner, especially if you feel that he/she will not be able to understand the complexities of the situation.