[SISI WENDY] No pregnancy, no wedding? Gosh!

I didn’t want to believe it when it first circulated as hearsay until a friend of mine, whose brother had proposed to his (now) fiancé, told me that his father demanded she got pregnant before he blesses the union. And it struck me then that this new fad is indeed as real as it gets. More so real when it actually happened to a popular socialite whose names shall be withheld.

Growing up and being dished out the various rules to be guided by life to us, we were clearly made to understand that a woman getting pregnant before she is proposed to used to be (or is still is) a thing of shame. Once a woman found out she was pregnant for her lover, she first had to battle with her family over ‘broken trust’ and then hopes her lover accepts the new bundle of joy and doesn’t flip out ─ out of fear of not being ready.

Even cultural disparity had its own reservations. In my hometown, we normally perform this traditional rite whereby if a woman has fully entered womanhood, she would parade the village square naked (though this particular practice has been abolished now) to show off her ‘ripeness’, through a massive ‘traditional birthday’ for the villagers in which she would be drenched in orange substance. There would no special clothing but a wrapper worn just over the chest. She would dance for her guests while presenting them with gifts of coconut and yam. However, a woman might be sexually active before she comes around for this ritual but if she conceives before she preforms this ceremony, she will not only be banished from the land, but be exiled as well.

The same goes for religion, particularly Christianity. Apparently the fact that the church frowns on sexual intercourse before marriage doesn’t matter anymore. It used to be a huge deal to be able to face the test of purity when the couple is presented before the pastor during counseling. Even societal values apply as well, when parents would rather flaunt their offspring’s engagement news than a prerequisite for marriage ─ pregnancy.

But alas the world is changing, and fast too. However, the demand by parents for a fertile wife can be argued. What with the rate at which, according to their reasoning, married couples are seeking for the fruit of the womb several years after getting hitched. But hey, regardless, only God can decide when that is imminent, human effort or not. But their reason for wanting includes ensuring there’s an available heir to their (rather selfish) act of wanting to be grandparents before death comes knocking.

But has anyone ever stopped to ask how the woman feels about such decision? If she loves the man so much but would rather put her beliefs first, does that mean she doesn’t love him enough? Does she have to have something to hide by not partaking in the decision? What if she eventually does and he flees? Or gender disparity becomes a thing of question? What if her body is designed not to conceive immediately? Does that mean she is likely to be barren? My friend’s wife didn’t conceive until the 10th year of their marriage. Luckily for the two, they wanted it that way anyway (but let’s be real. His parents had passed on and they married rather young).

What if indeed he buys into family planning and would rather wait and make proper way than bring forth a child he can’t take care of but cant override his parent’s dying wish either? A married couple I know are currently on family planning. They are both fertile but decided kids should wait (both their parents are alive). What if she’s not ready, albeit wanting to be with him forever? Maybe work constraint? A woman who was put under such duress by her husband’s family had to enroll her child in crèche six weeks after his birth and cried herself to work after doing so. She couldn’t quit her job because the family needed the extra funds to carter to some needs.

As much as finding out if the in-law to be has what it takes to gain your blessings, we should try and be considerate in sensitive matters pertaining to such unions. Yes I say ‘we’ because, ‘we’ could be part of the family in agreement with our family’s wishes, ‘we’ could be parents tomorrow demanding for same, ‘we’ could be friends who insists ‘our friend’ must ‘check’ first before plunging because ‘we heard’ one thing or the other. These are lives we are talking about, existing and new ones about to come face the brunt of what they know nothing about.

I really don’t see why a baby should be a reason for marriage i.e. if not already pregnant. And then if you find out she’s taking time, you ditch her? A marriage is already a union blessed by God because he said he that finds a wife finds a good thing and he will bless the union with multiplication. A baby is a gift from God to first a married couple not the other way round and shouldn’t be decided by anyone regardless. Notwithstanding the circumstances that may surround it because, reality might as well set and in and we shall face it, that decision should be made solely by the couple and not by a third party.

My problem is this might actually become a thing, even for those who don’t have genuine reason to. Because in Nigeria such trends escalate faster than normal, especially with the inception of social media and women will have lesser guts to make their own voices heard in the making of such decision without been called out for ulterior motives as to why she wants to get married. It is still not a big deal because it exists mainly amongst the elite. The question then is, how do we handle the circulation, should it and when it so happens?