The marriage debate: Is it outdated or misunderstood?

BY OGUNGBILE EMMANUEL OLUDOTUN

For the first time in five years, I find myself questioning my ability to write an article, not because I doubt my capacity, but because of the weight of the topic at hand: marriage. As I write this, I am unmarried. And while I have read extensively, observed marriages around me, and believe I understand what marriage should be, I still feel unworthy to speak on it.

Yet, I cannot ignore the growing debate on social media, where marriage is increasingly dismissed as a scam. The recent saga between 2Baba and Annie, alongside a host of other high-profile divorces, has fuelled this perception. Many, particularly among Millennials and Gen Z, see marriage as a failing institution, plagued by heartbreak, infidelity, and financial struggles.

However, I hold a different view. I have always been critical of so-called “marriage counsellors” who have never been married yet claim expertise on the subject. My opinion on that still stands. But in this article, I do not claim to be a counsellor, only an observer who has seen enough to offer an informed perspective on why marriage is not a scam, but an institution that has suffered from changing societal values and personal failures.

For centuries, marriage was regarded as a sacred duty, not just between two individuals but also between families and communities. In African, Asian, and European cultures, marriage was primarily about responsibility, procreation, and stability. Love was often secondary; instead, marriages were arranged or based on compatibility within a social structure. These marriages lasted because they were built on duty, patience, and endurance rather than fleeting emotions.

By the mid-20th century, love became a more prominent factor in marriage. The idea of “marrying for love” took centre stage, especially in Western cultures. Couples had more freedom in choosing their partners, and while divorce existed, societal stigma kept it low. Hard work, financial security, and strong religious and cultural values also played key roles in keeping marriages intact.

Today, marriage is approached differently. Millennials and Gen Z prioritise self-fulfilment, career growth, and personal happiness. Divorce rates have increased, not necessarily because marriage is flawed, but because people now have more options and refuse to tolerate unhappiness. With social media, constant exposure to “perfect” relationships creates unrealistic expectations, leading many to believe that if a marriage isn’t always exciting, it’s not worth it.

Even more, religious institutions have always upheld marriage as sacred. In Christianity, marriage is a covenant before God, requiring commitment and sacrifice. Islam views marriage as a key aspect of a fulfilled life, emphasising respect, partnership, and family-building. Even in traditional African religions, marriage is seen as a bond that unites not just individuals but families and ancestors.

Despite these teachings, modern society has moved away from religious principles in marriage. Many couples no longer view marriage as a lifetime commitment but rather as a conditional arrangement that can be abandoned when things get tough.

African, Asian, and Middle Eastern cultures traditionally emphasised communal involvement in marriage. Elders played a significant role in guiding young couples, and divorce was rare. However, globalisation and modernisation have weakened these cultural pillars. Western ideals of independence and personal choice have led to an increase in single-parent households, cohabitation without marriage, and a general decline in commitment.

So then, why do I think marriage seems to be failing today? The first thing that comes to mind is unrealistic expectations. Social media dictates the “laws” of relationships, and many people use other people’s marriages as a yardstick for their own success. Influencers and celebrities showcase perfect love stories, but behind closed doors, their marriages face the same struggles as everyone else’s. This illusion makes many believe that if their own marriage does not match these unrealistic standards, it is doomed.

Also, many people enter marriage for the wedding, not the lifetime commitment that follows. The fantasy of the wedding day often overwhelms the reality of marriage itself. Additionally, societal pressure forces unprepared individuals into marriage, setting them up for failure.

Pitifully, in the past, marriage was a partnership where both spouses worked together to build a stable home. Today, economic instability, high living costs, and job insecurity create stress that can break even the strongest relationships. Many marriages collapse because financial burdens lead to constant arguments, resentment, and, ultimately, separation.

Infidelity has also become alarmingly common in modern relationships. The accessibility of social media has made cheating easier than ever. Many couples struggle with loyalty and honesty, leading to broken trust.

Disrespect in marriage, whether emotional, verbal, or physical, has also contributed to its downfall. In the past, respect for one’s spouse was non-negotiable. Today, insults, emotional neglect, and lack of regard for each other’s feelings have become common in many marriages.

Fear of endurance? unlike older generations, younger couples are less willing to endure tough times. Many believe that if a marriage is no longer making them happy, they should leave rather than work through the challenges.

However, endurance should not be confused with domestic violence or abuse. Endurance means working through financial struggles, emotional disconnection, or misunderstandings. Domestic violence, on the other hand, is a toxic and dangerous situation that no one should be forced to endure. The two should never be confused.

Even more when things get tough, divorce is often seen as an easy escape, but in reality, it is complex and painful. While divorce should never be completely ruled out, especially in cases of abuse, it should be a last resort. Christianity, Islam, and other religious traditions emphasise that marriage is sacred and should only be dissolved under serious circumstances. Unfortunately, many couples today see divorce as a simple solution rather than a drastic measure.

Hence, why do I think marriage is still worth It? A good marriage provides a lifelong partner who shares joys, struggles, and dreams. At its best, marriage offers deep emotional support, helping individuals navigate life’s challenges with a trusted partner by their side. It also creates a stable foundation for raising children with shared values. A well-functioning marriage provides children with security, emotional balance, and a sense of belonging.

Financially, married couples often build better lives together than singles do separately. When partners work together, they can create wealth, invest wisely, and provide a better future for their families. Also, for those who follow religious or cultural values, marriage remains a fulfilling institution. It connects individuals to their faith, heritage, and community in a way that no other relationship does.

As I conclude, the high divorce rates and failed celebrity marriages should not be used as evidence that marriage is a scam. Instead, they show that marriage today faces different challenges than in the past. The institution itself is still strong, what has changed is how people approach it.

I know that I am young and have no personal experience with marriage, and for that reason, some may question my perspective. But from what I have studied, seen, and understood, I believe marriage is not the problem, our modern attitudes and expectations are.

Marriage is not a scam; it is a mirror. It reflects what we bring into it, our patience, our resilience, and our commitment. If we approach it as a disposable contract, it will fail. But if we build it with intention, it can still be the most beautiful partnership in life.

Ogungbile Emmanuel Oludotun can be contacted via [email protected]