Tinubu’s speech to protesters: A rough draft

Fellow Nigerians,

I address you today not because you people have been calling on me to speak to the citizens of Nigeria. I am not doing this because some of you have been making noise on the streets of Abuja, Lagos, and Kano. Such behaviors do not move me. I am the Jagaban. Nobody pushes me around. Iro! If you don’t know who I am, go and ask them in Lagos. I can rule Nigeria for eight years without holding a single press conference or speaking to Nigerians in a live broadcast. Heaven will not fall.

I make this exception today because I sent my Vice President out to calm you all down, only for him to call the people protesting idiots. Let me make something very clear. I agree with my Vice President that all of you protesting on the streets of Nigeria are idiots with nine fingers. The only respect I will give to you is that I won’t stand in front of you and count your nine fingers. Of course, it is not out of fear but simply because you are beneath me. I am the Jagaban. If you don’t know who I am, go and ask them in Lagos.

Out of the goodness of my heart, I took a break from enjoying Amala and Ewedu as my brilliant brother, Senator Akpabio, is doing to come and speak to you. Let nobody complain if I say anything you do not like. The last time I spoke live to the nation, I said, “Oil subsidy is gone.” Fourteen months later, we are still dealing with the consequences of that sentence. Still, you all are crying for me to speak. Alright, here is the speech as written for me by Bayo Onanuga. I did not add or remove anything from this speech. I am a doer and not a talker. I am the Jagaban. If you don’t know who I am, go and ask them in Lagos.

Just as my Vice President said, you all protesting out there, wasting your sweat and lives, are idiots. If you were not idiots, you should praise us for raising the minimum wage from 30,000 Naira to 70,000 Naira. That is over 100% increase. I am an American-trained accountant. I know my arithmetic. Where in the world have you seen such an astronomical increase before? Stop converting it to dollars to see the difference in value between May 29, 2023, and today. You no dey chop dollars for Nigeria. What is important is that it takes care of the increase in the price of 50kg of rice from 40k in 2023 to 100k today. It leaves 10k for your family to go to the movies and have a good time. I deserve a thank you. Instead, what I am getting is this lousy protest. Don’t get me angry, people. I am the Jagaban. If you don’t know who I am, go and ask them in Lagos.

What have I not done for you people? I found N30 billion in these hard times to establish a student loan scheme for about 2 million students in Nigerian universities. I had to get some of the money by cutting off some essentials needed for the office of the First Lady and in the home of my Vice President Kashim Shettima. Because of you, we only spent N25 billion on his house, using an inferior Italian jacuzzi instead of the originals. Is that fair? And some of you wondered why we didn’t let journalists into the VP’s house, the people’s house, during the opening ceremony. He ended up with a VP townhouse with a town hall different from Abu Dhabi – Kuala Lumpur.

For those of you gossiping that I do not deserve a new plane, I have news for you. I bought it already. All talks in the National Assembly are just to fulfill all righteousness. And there is nothing that any of you can do about it. I didn’t check the price before I bought it. I am not used to such a poverty-induced lifestyle. I cannot come and die because you people begged me to rule you and save you from the government of illiterates and poorly educated fools. That I am letting the poor breathe does not mean I should let them go mad in the marketplace. Am I making myself clear?

It will take ten years after my eight-year tenure before the benefits of my incredible vision for Nigeria become clear. If you doubt me, go to Lagos and ask them. There has been no governor in Lagos since I left who had any need to think to succeed. They just follow my template and become successful. Those who tried to step out of line got the Ambode treatment. So, the benefit of what I am doing today in Nigeria will become apparent when David Umahi becomes Nigeria’s president after eight years of Shetimma. I am the Jagaban, and I can tell you for free, “You can’t eat a good banana without its peels.”

Why am I even wasting my time talking to you all as if I give a hoot about people who are an ungrateful bunch? I gave you local government autonomy. It is the greatest gift since fried akara. Do you know that you can now hold your local government chairman responsible for Fulani herdsmen who destroyed your farms and for your husband who cannot perform in the oza room? No more pointing accusing fingers at me, the Jagaban. My job as president is back to what the framers of our fantastic 1999 constitution designed it to be – attending conferences abroad and helping negotiate new loans for Nigeria until we meet the debt-to-loan ratio that is respectable for a country of 200 million people. Again, I am the Jagaban, and I can tell you for free, “I study them and strategically execute them; my detractors discuss my success and failure because they have nothing to execute.”

I cannot end this speech without expressing my heartfelt condolences to those who lost their lives during the unnecessary protest. They are now fathers “of a mother of a child when the child is childless.” I hope they will learn to stay home when they reincarnate, just like the Igbo people did. I love my Igbo people. If you think I bribed the Igbo people by signing the South East Development Commission into law, you just wait and see what next I will do for them. I am about to release their illustrious son, Nnamdi Kanu, to reward them for being good boys and girls while the rest of you dance naked on the streets. As someone who once said, I did not believe in one Nigeria, I can tell you that “creation is always more difficult than destruction; greed is easier than greatness.” I am the Jagaban. If you do not know me, go and ask them in Lagos.

Before I go, let me tell you, ignoramus, what bad governance means. Bad governance means going after Yahaya Bello for N80 billion allegations against him when I know he will work hard for my reelection, which is just about two years away. I heard some of you complain that corrupt people are ministers in my government. Again, that shows how politically naive you all are. You sometimes need a seasoned thief to do the job of catching a thief. For those who say that my economic team is second-rated Lagos boys who lack international gravitas, I say, shurrup. Why is it difficult for blockheads to understand how the world works? I am the Jagaban, and I can tell you for free, “If you want me to do something for you, line up in an orderly manner. Then I can share my peanuts.” Didn’t you see Dangote as he lined up in an orderly manner? He got what he wanted – crude oil in Naira. Reno Omokri, Daniel Bwala, Femi Fani Kayode are all lining up orderly. They will soon get their peanuts.

Alright! This speech is already too long. You all can now go to sleep. Cuddle your mothers if you are scared or hide under her bed. If you are hungry, follow my wife’s example and take a hoe to a farm and till the ground. You can make your own eba or garri or beans or dodo. I don’t want to hear again that you are hungry. I went to Chicago, where I planted. That is why I am eating now. “You cannot reap when you did not sow. You can’t eat corn when it’s maize you planted.” Sogbo? But if you want to remain a church rat, be ready to eat poisoned Holy Communion, for that is all that your senseless protest is. You have to sweat if you must lay a golden egg. Again, I am the Jagaban, and I can tell you for free, “We inherited speaking in tongues from the Bible, but our diversity is a promise for prosperity.”

May God bless all those who understand how hard I work daily to transform Nigeria into the miracle I performed in Lagos, which I singlehandedly turned into the 5th largest economy in Africa. May God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria!

Senator Governor Bola Ahmed Tinubu, GCFR

President

Federal Republic of Nigeria.