Life & Living

I understand how you feel; so what really happened?

August 29, 2017 5:05 pm

YouNow is created for the everyday individual who seeks to gain a deeper understanding of Self in order to achieve their highest potential, while staying true to their essence. These write-ups are designed to help you become more conscious and deliberate in your interactions and day-to-day living

Have you ever lost a loved one? Anyone?

I have. My dad passed almost nine years ago.

I remember how numb I felt. How hollow it was inside of me.

He was 82 years old.

Yes. Old enough you might say, but not to me.

We are sometimes not sensitive enough to people’s grief, especially in this part of the world.

‘Ah…he was old now, party niyen! ‘

(i.e. He was old, time to throw a party)

Daddy will always be daddy. Age or circumstance of passing is irrelevant.

Many people truly want to help a friend or family member who is experiencing a severe loss. Words often fail us at times like these, leaving us stammering for the right thing to say. Some people are so afraid to say or do the wrong thing; they choose to do nothing at all. Doing nothing at all is certainly an option, but it’s not often a good one.

While there is no one perfect way to respond or to support someone you care about, there are certain basics to adhere to at this time.

“I understand how you feel. You should do this…you shouldn’t do that.’

No, you do not understand how they feel.

Have you been in the exact same position? Do you have the exact same relationship they had with the person that passed?

Grief belongs to the griever. Allow them to lead you on how they want to deal with it. Do not suggest or advise on how.

-This is not about you. Being with someone in this sort of pain is difficult. You will have things come up — stresses, questions, anger, fear, and guilt. Your feelings will likely be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Please don’t take it personally, and don’t take it out on them.

-‘Call me if you need anything’

Seriously? Do you really think that’ll happen?

Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers:

‘What do you need me to do for you now?’

‘ I can have the children for a few hours’

‘I can do the grocery….’

Just say something concrete.

Be present with them in the moment. Offer words of love and reassurance. You really do not need to hear details except they offer to tell you.

So, what really happened?

I lost my immediate older brother a few days ago. He was 50 years old.

When my heart is without strength, I am elevated to a place of refuge.

Beyond hurt, confusion and pain.

Adebisi Omolade Osunneye, rest. You are Free now.

Yetunde Bankole-Bernard is ‘The identity Coach™”

Certified as an Image Consultant, Human connection and Personality type practitioner and Work place psychologist.