My wife has become the husband. What do I do?

Dear Praise,

Thanks so much for your frank response to issues here. I have been a keen observer of your balanced response to issues and must commend your great work. Please how do I handle a woman who is bent on controlling me in my marriage.

She believes her way is the right way and nothing gets done except at her pace. She never even allows me touch her except when she is ready for sex. I am really tired of this marriage at this rate. I am not perfect but everyone says I have not done too badly as a man.

Please what do you suggest I do?

Olakunle S, Lagos.

Dear Kunle,

Thanks so much for your compliments. I deeply appreciate you sir and want you to know that there is no me without you guys out there.

Coming back to the issue you have raised. I don’t have the full details as there are some questions I would have loved to ask you but from what you said it seems you guys are operating from a different maps of the world.

I have gotten loads of complaints from good men with women like this and in most cases they married a woman from a polygamous set up where the woman had been brought up with a competitive spirit.

She had seen someone else taken her father away from her mother and had grown overtime to become unconsciously competent at seeking to become responsible and control everything in her space such that unknown to her she has become an associate husband as against a wife.

Unfortunately, it is tough to make her see this because the way she has learnt to interpret things has also been affected by the internal filters she had cultivated which helps her deletes, distorts and generalizes realities.

I think you need to find a way to bring your observation to her notice without sounding as if you are condemning her. People are doing the best they can with what they know and this has helped me to excuse people’s errors in most cases. If she knew better she would act better.

You need to find a way to take this up with her however you must re-interpret what her actions would mean to you henceforth in a way that empowers you. This would help you keep your sanity without losing it.

Somehow we need to creatively find a way to get her back into her feminine mode and you are the best person to help her achieve that except in situations where there is someone else outside of you that she respects and listens to.

A little bit of patience would help you my brother but slowly and gradually she will learn to get things right as you commit to assisting her rediscover her identity and her role as a wife.

It is not going to be a microwave change but if you are committed to it you shall surely experience a transformed wife.

Please feel free to reach me in case she is willing to come in for a counseling session or therapy.

I honour you.