On ‘my wife belongs in the kitchen’ comments

By Baba Grumpy

I guess we have all been well entertained or embarrassed by the comments made by President Buhari while standing next to Chancellor Merkel in Germany over the last few days.  Your entertainment or embarrassment or both probably depends on what side of the divide you are in political space in Nigeria. Everything in Nigeria is now political. I am surprised that the recently outed Corrupt Judges & Izien (Dauda The Sexy Guy in disguise) have yet to pull the PDP card. 

To be fair, I understand the reaction of the International media and non-Nigerians to President Buhari’s comments. They have a different way of life, although I will come to this later. I however struggle to understand the reaction of Nigerians to the President’s comments.

Don’t get me wrong, in my opinion, President Buhari chose the wrong audience and place to react to his wife’s comments the way he did. The issue of feminism is a huge one in today’s world especially in the Western World and with the ongoing “Omo Disgrace” comments and actions of Donald Tramp, the last thing President Buhari wanted was to be linked to that disgraceful Tramp, a relic to a time when men unashamedly objectified women and unrepentantly boasted about it.  As many have said, our President could have responded in a 1000 different ways.

President Buhari might however argue that he chose the right place as his wife’s comments were aired on the BBC, so maybe he deliberately chose a similar platform for his response. If he did chose this avenue to respond, his response should have been more measured I dare say.

Personally, both husband and wife were wrong. People who are quick to compare President Buhari to Western World Leaders should realize that none of their spouses (female or male) would dare do what Mrs. Buhari did. It is SIMPLY NOT DONE. Caesar’s Spouse should stay above the fray.  Yes you have your opinions and convictions but in airing them, make sure it does not become a PR issue du jour for the government or a gold plated open goal for your spouse’s enemies and detractors.

Having committed her own ‘No No’, President Buhari’s response should not have gone down the same route. Yes she made the issue public but he could have minimized the impact by either keeping ‘schtum’ or responding in a number of more measured ways.

This situation suggests there is a deeper issue with their marriage. Not that I am surprised as very few marriages of their generation in Nigeria are emotional marriages. Also going by the age difference and the nature of the typical Nigerian man of his generation, it is possible that he has imposed boundaries on her that she might or might not be aware of.  Boundaries you are unlikely to encounter in marriages where both spouses are on the same emotional wavelength.

I’m 100% certain they are both aware of each other’s opinion on this issue before it was said in the media. President Buhari knew his wife was not happy with his appointments and her fear for his legacy and she knew that he thinks she should not interfere and that she should be more concerned with the family. So far, so stalemate. But that they couldn’t then make personal compromises and iron out how to progress the matter without resorting to public washing of each other is telling.

It doesn’t appear to me as if she fears for his life, as if the people she’s upset about are going to do the President physical harm. If she does and if she’s convinced that her husband is not behaving true to type, she has a myriad of ways of dealing with the matter in a country like Nigeria.

I suspect the President’s reaction is either because she thinks she has fallen under the influence of 3rd parties or as some have alluded to on social media, there is a long standing family issue with the people Mrs. Buhari appear to be upset with. I have tried to imagine who these 3^rd parties are and unlike some people I don’t think it is The Jagaban.  I suspect it is more to do with Mr. Rotimi C. Amaechi. He appears to be one of the very first to support the President amongst the non CPC crowd and it does appear a few of his high profile nominees have been rejected in favor of other people. I think the Jagaban can take care of himself and doesn’t need Mrs. Buhari’s help but it does appear the marginalization of Mr. Amaechi has been underreported.

If the family issue is the case (i.e. the power wielded by Kyari et al). Mrs. Buhari should be aware that there is no government or organization anywhere where the Chief Of Staff, The PA and the Secretary of the Government / Board are not powerful people. Also if the President has an individual like Mamman Daura that he trusts and bounces ideas with, it is not beyond the realm of comprehension that these people will be powerful. It is inevitable that people who have access to you will influence you more but it is only because you want to be so influenced. So for me, the problem is not these individuals.

For those who are complaining about access to the President, I am a firm believer that they are making excuses. I have read many stories in the past about ministers getting the president’s ok on a plan written on the back of a fag packet and implementing same (withdrawing a lot of money) before the president has had the chance to be presented with a contrasting opinion.  So if the current President’s gate keepers are doing their job the way the president wants it done, I salute them. Rigor is generally lacking in Nigeria. If any minsters have specific examples of Kyari et al standing in the way of Nigeria’s progress or the negative reason why the President’s gate keepers have nominated Mr. A instead of your preferred Ms. B, please leak the details to your preferred “sauces”.  I am surprised that our sharp news ‘sauces’ are yet to unearth a paper trail of corruption attributed to the President’s gatekeepers despite loads of noise on social media.

My personal messages to those struggling with access to the President is as follows:

1)   Demonstrate / ‘Sell’ your need for access to the gatekeepers. President Buhari has put them there for a purpose. If you can’t do this, you are not doing a good enough job / the idea you are pushing is not a priority of the President.

2)   If you think, you are been blocked from seeing the President for the wrong reasons and you have raised this issue with the President himself without success, it is time to divert your energy and attention to something else. RESIGN. He clearly doesn’t have confidence or faith in you or the ideas you are peddling. NO IFS, NO BUTS

Back to Mrs. Buhari’s comments. I do also wonder if some of the influence the President might be worried about has an international dimension. Especially the ones who want to control the levers of powers and are clearly frustrated by the President’s firm convictions about certain issues. If this is the case, President Buhari probably chose the right forum to send his message.

Having said the above, the reaction from the Nigerian public is amusing to end. Nigerians are quite good at “knowing Osho more than Osho’s mother”.  I have seen comments where Mrs. Buhari clearly talks about cooking for her husband so she is not shy about her role in the kitchen.  So the President referring to her role as a homemaker is clearly not out of place. This is a role she herself has talked about publicly.

I watched one of Mrs. Buhari’s interview with TVC and she talked about the steps the President made to ensure her education continued despite the fact that she was starting a family. He went to considerable effort to be a loving and caring husband / partner to his wife. So he is not a sexist or a misogynist in my opinion and no amount of dog howling at the sun that is typical of Nigeria’s online space will change that.

In addition and despite saying there will be no Office of The First Lady, the President has taking several steps to accommodate the desire of his wife to make a difference with the role she has as his spouse. So he is not the stuck in the 19^th century Nigerian some are making him out to be.

You will think Nigerians will look at their environment first before casting aspersions at the President. No female President, Deputy President, Governor, Minister of Defence, Minister of External or Internal Affairs, FCT Minister or Senate President ever in Nigeria. In a country with a majority of females.

The girl child is still been married off at their early teen years. And please don’t point the finger at any region on this issue. Young girls are routinely defiled in the South of the country as well. There are a thousand and one statutes in the Nigerian law book that ties the female population to the appendages of their male relations as we speak. When is it going to change?

So please Nigerians, lets look to upgrade these issues in our country before tongue lashing a man who is talking about the specific of his personal relationship with his wife. If you are not happy with the way he and his wife have chosen to set up and run their relationship, set up and run your own differently. Make sure your wife belongs to the outside of your home only but make sure it’s a consensual decision because the Buhari’s appear consensual.

Often we claim to benchmark ourselves with the Western World but America the Gold – Standard of democracy has never had a female president. Look at all the trouble Hilary Clinton is having against a god-forsaken tramp.  Look at Great Britain, only 2 female prime ministers in its 800 years plus of parliamentary democracy and in almost 100 years of females getting the vote back. Mrs. Merkel is the first ever female prime minster in Germany, Italy – never, and Francois Hollande’s wife had to step down for him. These are societies that deliberately push pro – women policies and are struggling to do the right thing.

As at today in the Western Europe & America, majority of the home making rests with women. I am yet to see any poll or any data anywhere saying that men are the majority of home makers or cooks in the house. So please ‘don’t come and call bingo monkey for us’. Do not cry more than the bereaved. Mrs. Buhari didn’t need you to make her initial comment, she won’t need you either to find a fitting response to the President.

If I am allowed to advise both though, fix your marriage, you can disagree but you don’t have to let the whole world know. May God help President Buhari (with the support of his spouse) continue ‘the fix Nigeria’ project.

Baba Grumpy works in Financial Services in the United Kingdom. He blogs mostly about football at http://babagrumpy.blogspot.co.uk. His Twitter handle is @BabaGrumpy